[Ah, right. He did say something about that before, didn't he. Kinda makes killing the shitty "dad" pointless when it's not like McGillis is going home... Wait, actually.]
... Why're you even bothering to do shit here? Th'promise the goddess made ta send us back doesn't mean shit t'you if yer already dead. Yer not a heroic spirit like me, 'cause I had ta explain it to you.
[ McGillis takes a large long sip from his glass and then finally puts it aside, even if it's not yet fully empty. This is as drunk as he can afford to get before it gets messy, he figures, even as he is dimly aware that it's already messy and he's already very drunk. ]
What now? You think I should've just killed myself again since the first death failed to stick?
[Skill issue, Izou is going to get as drunk as he can without becoming incoherent, at this rate. He's already on his way there.]
I'm sayin' that if I was summoned and told I'd get sent back to th'throne in three months no matter what, I would jus' do whatever th'hell I wanted. Braphine don't got command seals or anything, she can't punish me'r make me kill myself 'f I don't do what she says.
[Izou you haven't even explained the throne or command seals to McGillis.]
You aughta just enjoy yerself before ya go back t'bein' dead if ya ask me.
[We'll return to McGillis's cool escape plan in a second and the flaws Izou sees in it, but first;]
M'Yeah. When a heroic spirit gets summoned as a servant, th'mage that summons'em has three command seals as proof've th'contract. If they use one of 'em to issue a command, y'gotta do it no matter what. Like, yer body will just do it.
A servant who refuses t'comply ain't worth shit, so a lotta mages will threaten you with that.
[ It's nice to be distracted from his own deeply miserable situation, but McGillis can't exactly find joy in it. He's staring at Izou with a creased brow and obvious consternation. ]
And if you did kill yourself? What then? Would it be impossible to summon you again?
Nah, you just go back to th'throne of heroes when you die either that way'r in a fight. I mean, I've been summoned loads of times before Fujimaru did, but since th'throne exists outside'a time 'n space it's hard t'remember specifics of the other times.
Fer normal grail wars, there's jus' seven of us bein' summoned fer a fight to the death. Last one standin' gets a wish on th'holy grail.
[In other words, any time he's summoned he's going to likely end up dead one way or another.]
[ That is incredibly fucked up. McGillis takes back any and all disappointment about Izou not knowing Agnika Kaieru - he could not in good conscience wish that fate on his hero.
He's quiet for a moment. What a miserable existence, forever being handed from slave master to slave master... ]
Like I said, it's hard ta remember. But I figure if I got a wish, I'd want ta be alive again, so prob'ly not.
[Since he'd no longer be a servant then.]
Plus.... I may be a sword genius, but... that's all I'm good fer. I ain't got magic 'r super strength 'r lasers'n shit... [As much as he brags, he's not on the level of big heroes like Achilles or Gilgamesh.]
Half th'time I don't even get ta fight the way I want, 'cause Assassin's a class that operates in the shadows. I don't get t'have proper duels like a Saber class servant would.
[ ... it's not fun to watch Izou be down on himself. Least of all when it's in such a somber way - the self-pity in the palace had irritated McGillis, but this is too matter-of-fact to even inspire anger. At Izou, anyway. ]
And you're still treating all of this like just another summoning, after which you'll go back.
Well both this and where I was before's different.
[And he starts perking back up, because,]
Fujimaru, that's who summoned me b'fore I was here, she works fer this crazy group called Chaldea, and they got this big crazy device that lets'er summon a whole lotta servants. That's how she's got me an' Ryouma and a whole buncha others. We're all workin' together on her behalf ta undo the end of the world, which sounds like a tall order since she ain't even old enough ta drink, but apparently she did it once before already?
She's real nice, too. Doesn't treat us like tools like most mages. She even remembered my birthday. Braphine told me 'll head back there when I'm done'ere [The fondness he holds for Fujimaru is clear on his face. A loyal dog to his core, he just wants a master that values him.]
[ There's another pause here. Since McGillis put his glass aside, he's not even filling it with the flimsy excuse of having another drink. He's just watching Izou in complete silence, uncaring of whether or not that is awkward or not.
Mikazuki Augus would never make this kind of expression (McGillis isn't sure he's ever even seen him smile), but the sentiment rising in McGillis' chest is similar to the last time he attempted to steal Mikazuki away to his side. The distance seems insurmountable. The eyes of others are looking toward a future McGillis cannot see, a place of longing that doesn't exist within him. ]
... I see why Braphine summoned you here.
[ That's all he can say to this. Between this and Argenti's palace... McGillis feels itchy and uncomfortable. He wants to leave, but the future he could once see is just a closed door without a key now. ]
[Izou stops mid sip, so thrown off is he by this.]
... Huh?
[He literally had an extremely public meltdown about how he felt like he WASN'T a good choice to bring here!!! Surely McGillis saw that even if he hadn't commented on it.]
I'm a hired killer who's destined ta get tossed aside whenever I'm no longer useful, how the hell's that make me a good choice fer all this nonsense?
[At the end of the day, Okada Izou is meant to be something solitary.]
[ McGillis certainly read the breakdown post, though he couldn't be assed to check the comments as well at the time. It'd been just a random public embarrassment back then.
And it hardly feels relevant now, when McGillis has spent the past few weeks watching Izou cozy up to the people from his palace, wagging his tail happily at every bit of attention someone deigns to give him. ]
You still crave it, don't you? A place to belong, people to stay with. You may not think you can have it, but you're looking for it all the time.
[He drinks more as an immediate response to that question. He has settled in here rather nicely. Allowed himself to uncurl and expose his soft underbelly. But it's all temporary, isn't it? When their time here is up he'll go back to being comfortable, but alone. Hell, people here are already starting to pair up here without him.]
... 'Course I do. But wantin' something and being suited for it ain't the same thing.
"Someone so full of yearnin'," yeah fancy pants, that's normal! I don't care what weird fucked up mind games ya played on yerself, but everyone wants that, even you. I ain't special. [ALL YOUR "ABSOLUTE POWER IS SOLITARY" NONSENSE JUST SOUNDS LIKE EXCUSES TO HIM!]
No one's ever wanted me fer me, or wanted me more than they've wanted somethin' else. Even when I do whatever they say, kill or protect who they say to, doesn't matter. Eventually they'll throw me aside cause I ain't the thing they really wanted. [Both when he was alive, and now here too.]
[ Drunk enough to be childish, McGillis just rolls his eyes. (It doesn't matter that he's been doing a lot of thinking about how he currently feels about the idea of human connection, this is a matter of principle.) ]
Have you ever considered that you're making it really easy to take you for granted?
[ Izou may be jumping up in anger, but McGillis is lazing pretty cozily on his bed right now, propped up against the wall with his legs stretches out in front of him. You're not making him rise to meet your aggression, it's too comfortable.
He almost looks like he's enjoying this. ]
It's not a matter of deserving, is it? The only way you can control how others respond to you is by changing yourself. Make yourself indispensable.
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Yeah? I'm a professional asssassin, not just some aimless bandit. There's nothing honorable about stealin' from a dead man.
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Too bad I won't hire you then, and nobody would pay you for my death either. A second one is probably a lot cheaper than a first anyhow.
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... Why're you even bothering to do shit here? Th'promise the goddess made ta send us back doesn't mean shit t'you if yer already dead. Yer not a heroic spirit like me, 'cause I had ta explain it to you.
cw suicide mention
What now? You think I should've just killed myself again since the first death failed to stick?
cw suicide mention technically
I'm sayin' that if I was summoned and told I'd get sent back to th'throne in three months no matter what, I would jus' do whatever th'hell I wanted. Braphine don't got command seals or anything, she can't punish me'r make me kill myself 'f I don't do what she says.
[Izou you haven't even explained the throne or command seals to McGillis.]
You aughta just enjoy yerself before ya go back t'bein' dead if ya ask me.
cont suicide mentions???.
I'm not going back to being dead, if Braphine is suppose to be believed. I can go anywhere as long as it's not my world.
[ ... and then the rest of what Izou said catches up with him. Wait a fucking second. ]
... make you kill yourself?
yeah anyone reading just assume that cw until we say otherwise
M'Yeah. When a heroic spirit gets summoned as a servant, th'mage that summons'em has three command seals as proof've th'contract. If they use one of 'em to issue a command, y'gotta do it no matter what. Like, yer body will just do it.
A servant who refuses t'comply ain't worth shit, so a lotta mages will threaten you with that.
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And if you did kill yourself? What then? Would it be impossible to summon you again?
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Fer normal grail wars, there's jus' seven of us bein' summoned fer a fight to the death. Last one standin' gets a wish on th'holy grail.
[In other words, any time he's summoned he's going to likely end up dead one way or another.]
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He's quiet for a moment. What a miserable existence, forever being handed from slave master to slave master... ]
Did you and your mage ever win?
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[Since he'd no longer be a servant then.]
Plus.... I may be a sword genius, but... that's all I'm good fer. I ain't got magic 'r super strength 'r lasers'n shit...
[As much as he brags, he's not on the level of big heroes like Achilles or Gilgamesh.]
Half th'time I don't even get ta fight the way I want, 'cause Assassin's a class that operates in the shadows. I don't get t'have proper duels like a Saber class servant would.
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And you're still treating all of this like just another summoning, after which you'll go back.
[ Just... confirming that. Because HELLO???? ]
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[And he starts perking back up, because,]
Fujimaru, that's who summoned me b'fore I was here, she works fer this crazy group called Chaldea, and they got this big crazy device that lets'er summon a whole lotta servants. That's how she's got me an' Ryouma and a whole buncha others. We're all workin' together on her behalf ta undo the end of the world, which sounds like a tall order since she ain't even old enough ta drink, but apparently she did it once before already?
She's real nice, too. Doesn't treat us like tools like most mages. She even remembered my birthday. Braphine told me 'll head back there when I'm done'ere
[The fondness he holds for Fujimaru is clear on his face. A loyal dog to his core, he just wants a master that values him.]
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Mikazuki Augus would never make this kind of expression (McGillis isn't sure he's ever even seen him smile), but the sentiment rising in McGillis' chest is similar to the last time he attempted to steal Mikazuki away to his side. The distance seems insurmountable. The eyes of others are looking toward a future McGillis cannot see, a place of longing that doesn't exist within him. ]
... I see why Braphine summoned you here.
[ That's all he can say to this. Between this and Argenti's palace... McGillis feels itchy and uncomfortable. He wants to leave, but the future he could once see is just a closed door without a key now. ]
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... Huh?
[He literally had an extremely public meltdown about how he felt like he WASN'T a good choice to bring here!!! Surely McGillis saw that even if he hadn't commented on it.]
I'm a hired killer who's destined ta get tossed aside whenever I'm no longer useful, how the hell's that make me a good choice fer all this nonsense?
[At the end of the day, Okada Izou is meant to be something solitary.]
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And it hardly feels relevant now, when McGillis has spent the past few weeks watching Izou cozy up to the people from his palace, wagging his tail happily at every bit of attention someone deigns to give him. ]
You still crave it, don't you? A place to belong, people to stay with. You may not think you can have it, but you're looking for it all the time.
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... 'Course I do. But wantin' something and being suited for it ain't the same thing.
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For someone so full of yearning, you really give up easily.
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[ALL YOUR "ABSOLUTE POWER IS SOLITARY" NONSENSE JUST SOUNDS LIKE EXCUSES TO HIM!]
No one's ever wanted me fer me, or wanted me more than they've wanted somethin' else. Even when I do whatever they say, kill or protect who they say to, doesn't matter. Eventually they'll throw me aside cause I ain't the thing they really wanted.
[Both when he was alive, and now here too.]
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Have you ever considered that you're making it really easy to take you for granted?
[ YOU'RE SO DESPERATE... ]
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The hell's that s'posed ta mean!? You sayin' I deserve it???
[BARK BARK BARK BARK.]
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He almost looks like he's enjoying this. ]
It's not a matter of deserving, is it? The only way you can control how others respond to you is by changing yourself. Make yourself indispensable.
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That- I- You think I wasn't tryin' that!? What d'you think I devoted myself to th'sword for??
[HE CAN'T BE DEFEATED!!! HOW MUCH MORE INDISPENSABLE COULD HE BE????]
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You're still only thinking about yourself as a tool. All tools are dispensable, that's in their nature.
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That-
[I mean yeah, he is like a tool to be used, isn't he. That's the problem???]
What'm I supposed ta do instead, then?
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