[ Izou's self-worth is so insanely low that it's actually baffling to watch. ]
A tool can be discarded and replaced because it has nothing to offer that could not be replicated by the same wielder with a different but equivalent tool. The same can't as easily be said about people - their insights, opinion, personality.
What, like actin' different? Sure, but then if that's what gets someone ta stick to me, it isn't really me they like, is it?
[He finally sits back down, heavily. He finishes the rest of his glass though this time he doesn't pour any more.]
... I'd rather get tossed aside fer bein' me than have ta maintain a lie. [Or more like... he doesn't think he could maintain a lie for that long, but saying it that way sounds cooler.]
[ There's no hint of mockery in the question this time. McGillis genuinely wants to know - why invest so much energy in something you're convinced will end and leave you worse-off in the end? What is it that Izou is trying to reach? ]
[ That sounds like a horrible way to live. Completely removed from all thoughts of power and ideals, it takes a masochist to willingly let himself be trampled on over and over. Building a relationship means baring a part of your soul, which is why McGillis has always kept his own well out of reach. ]
... I'd rather just make myself miserable than live like you do.
[ It's said quietly, more to himself. He might not even have realized he said it out loud. He's looking at his hands rather than at Izou, anyway. ]
[ Now it's McGillis' time to sound unbearably fond - for his own standards anyway. He's not as expressive as Izou, even at his most outgoing. ]
Gaelio and I grew up together. From when I was adopted until I killed him, we were rarely apart. A naive young man, pure from the inside out despite the corrupted world he grew up in. Brash and outgoing, expressive and bright.
He was the sun in the corner of my eye. The only true friend I have had in all of my life. I had to pretend not to truly see him, or I would have been swallowed up.
[ He's still very much talking to himself here. Tomorrow, when he's sober, he'll regret having said all this. ]
[Hm. Gay. But Izou understand in a variety of ways. McGillis seems sincere, but then, that just makes the nagging million dollar question all the more pressing;]
Then why did you kill him?
[It's becoming more and more difficult for him to reconcile all the various facts he has about what sort of person McGillis Fareed actually is.]
[ McGillis pauses. When they initially had their fight, the answer would have been 'the words that make him forgive me' - that's part of why Izou was initially so mad at him, wasn't it? Wanting forgiveness? It was last week but it already feels distant.
But now... ]
Nothing. I'll never see him again. All that was said in life is all there ever will be. I've made my peace with that.
[It was, mostly because McGillis was making it sound like he never cared about the guy in the first place. Now... He's not sure if this answer is any better.]
An' what if he had somethin' ta say t'you? What if he wanted ta kill you fer what ya did?
[Yes he's thinking of how Ryouma just stood there and let Izou take a swing at him, what of it.]
Then there's a pause where McGillis' inebriated brain catches up to the fact that he never explained this situation to Izou beyond implying it when they were yelling at each other. Ah. ]
He survived the ordeal, though I didn't know for two years. Spent that time hunting me down. He killed me, in the end.
[ You know what? He changed his mind. Maybe he can get more drunk than this. McGillis doesn't respond and instead picks his glass back up and downs the rest of it. ]
[ Is it too late to toss Izou out of his room? He wishes he was in a better headspace to deflect this, but everything is fuzzy now. ]
... shut up.
[ He's thinking about it. He's been thinking about nothing else. Who he is now that he's admitted his vulnerabilities, and where he wants to go from here. ]
Someone like you... who never thinks for himself... doesn't get to judge me.
[Unfortunately Izou has perked up now because he thinks he's Right and Winning. Which is often when he is at his Most annoying.]
Hah, yer just sayin' that cause yer mad that fer all your big thinkin' and ideals and shit, yer stuck here all miserable and I'm havin' a great time! [ARE YOU???]
If you really want me ta shut up, why don't ya make me?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
That-
[I mean yeah, he is like a tool to be used, isn't he. That's the problem???]
What'm I supposed ta do instead, then?
no subject
[ Izou's self-worth is so insanely low that it's actually baffling to watch. ]
A tool can be discarded and replaced because it has nothing to offer that could not be replicated by the same wielder with a different but equivalent tool. The same can't as easily be said about people - their insights, opinion, personality.
no subject
... Well that ain't fair. I've got a bad personality n' I'm not smart enough to be any good fer th'other two things.
[SO THIS JUST PROVES HIS POINT??? A GUY LIKE HIM IS DESTINED TO JUST BE THROWN AWAY WHEN HE'S NO LONGER USEFUL.]
no subject
[ Says man who invented his surface personality from wholecloth when he was about 16 and has since kind of lost track of where fake starts and ends. ]
no subject
[He finally sits back down, heavily. He finishes the rest of his glass though this time he doesn't pour any more.]
... I'd rather get tossed aside fer bein' me than have ta maintain a lie.
[Or more like... he doesn't think he could maintain a lie for that long, but saying it that way sounds cooler.]
no subject
[ There's no hint of mockery in the question this time. McGillis genuinely wants to know - why invest so much energy in something you're convinced will end and leave you worse-off in the end? What is it that Izou is trying to reach? ]
no subject
[Honestly it would be easier, wouldn't it. He knows that. But.]
I dunno. Maybe 'cause I'm stupid and can't help but try. But I think I'd rather be miserable some of the time than be miserable all of the time.
[At least reaching out he gets to temporarily be happy.]
no subject
... I'd rather just make myself miserable than live like you do.
[ It's said quietly, more to himself. He might not even have realized he said it out loud. He's looking at his hands rather than at Izou, anyway. ]
no subject
But you had yer friend, didn't you? The one you killed.
[EXPLAIN YOURSELF, YOU SO CALLED LONER.]
no subject
[ Now it's McGillis' time to sound unbearably fond - for his own standards anyway. He's not as expressive as Izou, even at his most outgoing. ]
Gaelio and I grew up together. From when I was adopted until I killed him, we were rarely apart. A naive young man, pure from the inside out despite the corrupted world he grew up in. Brash and outgoing, expressive and bright.
He was the sun in the corner of my eye. The only true friend I have had in all of my life. I had to pretend not to truly see him, or I would have been swallowed up.
[ He's still very much talking to himself here. Tomorrow, when he's sober, he'll regret having said all this. ]
no subject
Then why did you kill him?
[It's becoming more and more difficult for him to reconcile all the various facts he has about what sort of person McGillis Fareed actually is.]
no subject
[ Pause. ]
Because I had to kill him, or I wouldn't have been able to move forward.
no subject
Move forward towards what exactly?
[A small part of him is getting angry all over again but... yes it is definitely More Complicated Than First Thought.]
no subject
[ LITERALLY WHAT ELSE. ]
no subject
Everything for the revolution... Ryouma didn't kill Izou with his own hands like McGillis did, but...]
... What would ya say t'him if he were here now?
no subject
But now... ]
Nothing. I'll never see him again. All that was said in life is all there ever will be. I've made my peace with that.
no subject
An' what if he had somethin' ta say t'you? What if he wanted ta kill you fer what ya did?
[Yes he's thinking of how Ryouma just stood there and let Izou take a swing at him, what of it.]
no subject
[ That response is... immediate. Duh.
Then there's a pause where McGillis' inebriated brain catches up to the fact that he never explained this situation to Izou beyond implying it when they were yelling at each other. Ah. ]
He survived the ordeal, though I didn't know for two years. Spent that time hunting me down. He killed me, in the end.
1/2
I MEAN IT ALL MAKES SENSE TOGETHER BUT HUH???]
no subject
no subject
no subject
See!! You got all those fancy words an' complicated answers fer shit but this one ya got nothin' ta say!!
[PROOF!!! PROOF YOUR ELABORATE PLOT WAS DUMB!!!]
no subject
... shut up.
[ He's thinking about it. He's been thinking about nothing else. Who he is now that he's admitted his vulnerabilities, and where he wants to go from here. ]
Someone like you... who never thinks for himself... doesn't get to judge me.
no subject
Hah, yer just sayin' that cause yer mad that fer all your big thinkin' and ideals and shit, yer stuck here all miserable and I'm havin' a great time!
[ARE YOU???]
If you really want me ta shut up, why don't ya make me?
no subject
You're having a great time? That is news to me.
[ Kicked puppy masochist that you are. ]
Last I checked, one wrong look could make you wither.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)