Well both this and where I was before's different.
[And he starts perking back up, because,]
Fujimaru, that's who summoned me b'fore I was here, she works fer this crazy group called Chaldea, and they got this big crazy device that lets'er summon a whole lotta servants. That's how she's got me an' Ryouma and a whole buncha others. We're all workin' together on her behalf ta undo the end of the world, which sounds like a tall order since she ain't even old enough ta drink, but apparently she did it once before already?
She's real nice, too. Doesn't treat us like tools like most mages. She even remembered my birthday. Braphine told me 'll head back there when I'm done'ere [The fondness he holds for Fujimaru is clear on his face. A loyal dog to his core, he just wants a master that values him.]
[ There's another pause here. Since McGillis put his glass aside, he's not even filling it with the flimsy excuse of having another drink. He's just watching Izou in complete silence, uncaring of whether or not that is awkward or not.
Mikazuki Augus would never make this kind of expression (McGillis isn't sure he's ever even seen him smile), but the sentiment rising in McGillis' chest is similar to the last time he attempted to steal Mikazuki away to his side. The distance seems insurmountable. The eyes of others are looking toward a future McGillis cannot see, a place of longing that doesn't exist within him. ]
... I see why Braphine summoned you here.
[ That's all he can say to this. Between this and Argenti's palace... McGillis feels itchy and uncomfortable. He wants to leave, but the future he could once see is just a closed door without a key now. ]
[Izou stops mid sip, so thrown off is he by this.]
... Huh?
[He literally had an extremely public meltdown about how he felt like he WASN'T a good choice to bring here!!! Surely McGillis saw that even if he hadn't commented on it.]
I'm a hired killer who's destined ta get tossed aside whenever I'm no longer useful, how the hell's that make me a good choice fer all this nonsense?
[At the end of the day, Okada Izou is meant to be something solitary.]
[ McGillis certainly read the breakdown post, though he couldn't be assed to check the comments as well at the time. It'd been just a random public embarrassment back then.
And it hardly feels relevant now, when McGillis has spent the past few weeks watching Izou cozy up to the people from his palace, wagging his tail happily at every bit of attention someone deigns to give him. ]
You still crave it, don't you? A place to belong, people to stay with. You may not think you can have it, but you're looking for it all the time.
[He drinks more as an immediate response to that question. He has settled in here rather nicely. Allowed himself to uncurl and expose his soft underbelly. But it's all temporary, isn't it? When their time here is up he'll go back to being comfortable, but alone. Hell, people here are already starting to pair up here without him.]
... 'Course I do. But wantin' something and being suited for it ain't the same thing.
"Someone so full of yearnin'," yeah fancy pants, that's normal! I don't care what weird fucked up mind games ya played on yerself, but everyone wants that, even you. I ain't special. [ALL YOUR "ABSOLUTE POWER IS SOLITARY" NONSENSE JUST SOUNDS LIKE EXCUSES TO HIM!]
No one's ever wanted me fer me, or wanted me more than they've wanted somethin' else. Even when I do whatever they say, kill or protect who they say to, doesn't matter. Eventually they'll throw me aside cause I ain't the thing they really wanted. [Both when he was alive, and now here too.]
[ Drunk enough to be childish, McGillis just rolls his eyes. (It doesn't matter that he's been doing a lot of thinking about how he currently feels about the idea of human connection, this is a matter of principle.) ]
Have you ever considered that you're making it really easy to take you for granted?
[ Izou may be jumping up in anger, but McGillis is lazing pretty cozily on his bed right now, propped up against the wall with his legs stretches out in front of him. You're not making him rise to meet your aggression, it's too comfortable.
He almost looks like he's enjoying this. ]
It's not a matter of deserving, is it? The only way you can control how others respond to you is by changing yourself. Make yourself indispensable.
[ Izou's self-worth is so insanely low that it's actually baffling to watch. ]
A tool can be discarded and replaced because it has nothing to offer that could not be replicated by the same wielder with a different but equivalent tool. The same can't as easily be said about people - their insights, opinion, personality.
What, like actin' different? Sure, but then if that's what gets someone ta stick to me, it isn't really me they like, is it?
[He finally sits back down, heavily. He finishes the rest of his glass though this time he doesn't pour any more.]
... I'd rather get tossed aside fer bein' me than have ta maintain a lie. [Or more like... he doesn't think he could maintain a lie for that long, but saying it that way sounds cooler.]
[ There's no hint of mockery in the question this time. McGillis genuinely wants to know - why invest so much energy in something you're convinced will end and leave you worse-off in the end? What is it that Izou is trying to reach? ]
[ That sounds like a horrible way to live. Completely removed from all thoughts of power and ideals, it takes a masochist to willingly let himself be trampled on over and over. Building a relationship means baring a part of your soul, which is why McGillis has always kept his own well out of reach. ]
... I'd rather just make myself miserable than live like you do.
[ It's said quietly, more to himself. He might not even have realized he said it out loud. He's looking at his hands rather than at Izou, anyway. ]
[ Now it's McGillis' time to sound unbearably fond - for his own standards anyway. He's not as expressive as Izou, even at his most outgoing. ]
Gaelio and I grew up together. From when I was adopted until I killed him, we were rarely apart. A naive young man, pure from the inside out despite the corrupted world he grew up in. Brash and outgoing, expressive and bright.
He was the sun in the corner of my eye. The only true friend I have had in all of my life. I had to pretend not to truly see him, or I would have been swallowed up.
[ He's still very much talking to himself here. Tomorrow, when he's sober, he'll regret having said all this. ]
[Hm. Gay. But Izou understand in a variety of ways. McGillis seems sincere, but then, that just makes the nagging million dollar question all the more pressing;]
Then why did you kill him?
[It's becoming more and more difficult for him to reconcile all the various facts he has about what sort of person McGillis Fareed actually is.]
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[And he starts perking back up, because,]
Fujimaru, that's who summoned me b'fore I was here, she works fer this crazy group called Chaldea, and they got this big crazy device that lets'er summon a whole lotta servants. That's how she's got me an' Ryouma and a whole buncha others. We're all workin' together on her behalf ta undo the end of the world, which sounds like a tall order since she ain't even old enough ta drink, but apparently she did it once before already?
She's real nice, too. Doesn't treat us like tools like most mages. She even remembered my birthday. Braphine told me 'll head back there when I'm done'ere
[The fondness he holds for Fujimaru is clear on his face. A loyal dog to his core, he just wants a master that values him.]
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Mikazuki Augus would never make this kind of expression (McGillis isn't sure he's ever even seen him smile), but the sentiment rising in McGillis' chest is similar to the last time he attempted to steal Mikazuki away to his side. The distance seems insurmountable. The eyes of others are looking toward a future McGillis cannot see, a place of longing that doesn't exist within him. ]
... I see why Braphine summoned you here.
[ That's all he can say to this. Between this and Argenti's palace... McGillis feels itchy and uncomfortable. He wants to leave, but the future he could once see is just a closed door without a key now. ]
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... Huh?
[He literally had an extremely public meltdown about how he felt like he WASN'T a good choice to bring here!!! Surely McGillis saw that even if he hadn't commented on it.]
I'm a hired killer who's destined ta get tossed aside whenever I'm no longer useful, how the hell's that make me a good choice fer all this nonsense?
[At the end of the day, Okada Izou is meant to be something solitary.]
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And it hardly feels relevant now, when McGillis has spent the past few weeks watching Izou cozy up to the people from his palace, wagging his tail happily at every bit of attention someone deigns to give him. ]
You still crave it, don't you? A place to belong, people to stay with. You may not think you can have it, but you're looking for it all the time.
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... 'Course I do. But wantin' something and being suited for it ain't the same thing.
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For someone so full of yearning, you really give up easily.
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[ALL YOUR "ABSOLUTE POWER IS SOLITARY" NONSENSE JUST SOUNDS LIKE EXCUSES TO HIM!]
No one's ever wanted me fer me, or wanted me more than they've wanted somethin' else. Even when I do whatever they say, kill or protect who they say to, doesn't matter. Eventually they'll throw me aside cause I ain't the thing they really wanted.
[Both when he was alive, and now here too.]
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Have you ever considered that you're making it really easy to take you for granted?
[ YOU'RE SO DESPERATE... ]
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The hell's that s'posed ta mean!? You sayin' I deserve it???
[BARK BARK BARK BARK.]
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He almost looks like he's enjoying this. ]
It's not a matter of deserving, is it? The only way you can control how others respond to you is by changing yourself. Make yourself indispensable.
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That- I- You think I wasn't tryin' that!? What d'you think I devoted myself to th'sword for??
[HE CAN'T BE DEFEATED!!! HOW MUCH MORE INDISPENSABLE COULD HE BE????]
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You're still only thinking about yourself as a tool. All tools are dispensable, that's in their nature.
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That-
[I mean yeah, he is like a tool to be used, isn't he. That's the problem???]
What'm I supposed ta do instead, then?
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[ Izou's self-worth is so insanely low that it's actually baffling to watch. ]
A tool can be discarded and replaced because it has nothing to offer that could not be replicated by the same wielder with a different but equivalent tool. The same can't as easily be said about people - their insights, opinion, personality.
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... Well that ain't fair. I've got a bad personality n' I'm not smart enough to be any good fer th'other two things.
[SO THIS JUST PROVES HIS POINT??? A GUY LIKE HIM IS DESTINED TO JUST BE THROWN AWAY WHEN HE'S NO LONGER USEFUL.]
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[ Says man who invented his surface personality from wholecloth when he was about 16 and has since kind of lost track of where fake starts and ends. ]
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[He finally sits back down, heavily. He finishes the rest of his glass though this time he doesn't pour any more.]
... I'd rather get tossed aside fer bein' me than have ta maintain a lie.
[Or more like... he doesn't think he could maintain a lie for that long, but saying it that way sounds cooler.]
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[ There's no hint of mockery in the question this time. McGillis genuinely wants to know - why invest so much energy in something you're convinced will end and leave you worse-off in the end? What is it that Izou is trying to reach? ]
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[Honestly it would be easier, wouldn't it. He knows that. But.]
I dunno. Maybe 'cause I'm stupid and can't help but try. But I think I'd rather be miserable some of the time than be miserable all of the time.
[At least reaching out he gets to temporarily be happy.]
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... I'd rather just make myself miserable than live like you do.
[ It's said quietly, more to himself. He might not even have realized he said it out loud. He's looking at his hands rather than at Izou, anyway. ]
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But you had yer friend, didn't you? The one you killed.
[EXPLAIN YOURSELF, YOU SO CALLED LONER.]
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[ Now it's McGillis' time to sound unbearably fond - for his own standards anyway. He's not as expressive as Izou, even at his most outgoing. ]
Gaelio and I grew up together. From when I was adopted until I killed him, we were rarely apart. A naive young man, pure from the inside out despite the corrupted world he grew up in. Brash and outgoing, expressive and bright.
He was the sun in the corner of my eye. The only true friend I have had in all of my life. I had to pretend not to truly see him, or I would have been swallowed up.
[ He's still very much talking to himself here. Tomorrow, when he's sober, he'll regret having said all this. ]
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Then why did you kill him?
[It's becoming more and more difficult for him to reconcile all the various facts he has about what sort of person McGillis Fareed actually is.]
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[ Pause. ]
Because I had to kill him, or I wouldn't have been able to move forward.
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Move forward towards what exactly?
[A small part of him is getting angry all over again but... yes it is definitely More Complicated Than First Thought.]
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