Sayaka damns the fact, sometimes, that Fray's even more unreadable than she is. Not that the pressures of this place have made keeping her masking up any easier, and now that there's practically no point anymore--it feels strange being exposed. It also means it's strange to not be able to read people as properly, though Fray's always been pretty good at hiding his feelings. She knows it's probably as much of a defense mechanism for him, as it was for her.]
"Protecting those who cannot protect themselves." You told me about that.
[Sayaka's words are soft, and once she gets her barrettes out and set aside, she'll scooch a little closer. Though a hesitant gesture, because physical affection remains difficult even on a good day, she offers a hand out for Fray, in case he needs it.]
I don't blame you, you know. For finding the palaces to be rather frustrating. Every one of them seems to be more arduous, and they're always so overwhelming, too. And you can't predict what everyone is going to do, or what they'll find...
It's frustrating, isn't it? To not be able to fulfill what you feel you should do here. I get what you're talking about.
...You know that you do a really good job, though, right? You're always the first one to jump into the battle to take on enemies. When someone is hurt, you're so quick to jump in and keep everyone alive. You know you're good for that too, right?
[...]
Is there...something else to it, you think? Or alongside it?
[Sayaka doesn't know if he'll trust her, not entirely, but she doesn't want to force it. So she'll crack the metaphorical door open a bit, and let the question set.]
[Sayaka scoots closer and offers a hand, and even though he's never been one for physical affection (never had the need for it, or the ability for it, and he can't remember V'rhas ever wanting it) he finds himself taking her hand in one of his instinctively. He's still wearing his gauntlets, of course, so it's likely not very comfortable for her, but he's mindful of the sharp claws on the ends of his fingers.]
I do what I can. I have been blessed with the ability to heal here, as I had back home. To protect does not only mean to physically block blows, but to do support my allies in whatever way I'm capable of.
[So he's a Utility and he doesn't mind it, but...]
You're right. It is frustrating. Beyond frustrating. I have only ever had to rely on one consistent ally - and he was always easy to read. His movements were mine, his thoughts and feelings and actions mine own. I have never once had to predict what he would do, because I always knew what he would do.
He was also only one person. With so many of us, there are more who can heal and help our allies, but that also means there are more who can be hurt. It's difficult to keep track of everyone, to ensure that all parties are safe and as unharmed as they can be.
[He shakes his head once that's out there. It's just... agitating, to not be able to do exactly what he wants in the way he's used to, because he has to learn so much all over again from scratch. He never had to properly learn it the first time around either, so Fray really is stumbling in the dark here.]
It's worth it, of course. To be able to work alongside so many people fighting for the same goal. I don't mean for my complaints to sound aimed at them. It's my personal failings that frustrate me.
[And even though they were lucky today... who's to say they'll be as lucky tomorrow? Or next week? Or whenever the next palace feels the need to spawn? After all, there's a very high chance that the next one will belong to—
[Sayaka's had plenty of time to get used to the cold of the armor and gauntlets, it's fine as far as she's concerned. He always makes sure to be careful, and it's always something Sayaka appreciates.
But Sayaka listens to Fray's struggles, and it makes sense the more she pieces it together. It's weird to use any sort of her usual analyzing for something to help someone other than herself, but...]
...I think I get what you mean. You've always had V'rhas' experiences to fall back on, and you've always been...in control of most situations you've been a part of. There wasn't any unpredictability, save for what your opponents could throw at you, but even then you blended seamlessly with his own experiences and predictable movements.
You definitely don't sound like you're blaming anyone though, Fray. [Sayaka's grip tightens on his hand, very gently but it's there.] Frustrated with situations outside of your control, yes. With us? No. You've kind of been thrust into an unpredictable situation from the start, with more unpredictability thrown on top as the weeks go on. I think it's pretty understandable that you're frustrated about it.
But...you know that it isn't your fault that the world isn't as predictable as it once was for you, right?
[It's gentle, because even when trying to be herself--she doesn't have it in her to be too harsh. But it isn't admonishing either; hell, it took her this long to realize that trying to predict the world so constantly was destroying her from the inside.
She doesn't want to see Fray end up down that same path.]
[She cuts to the heart of the matter with precision and accuracy that is almost frightening; it makes Fray wonder if she's struggled with something similar during her stay here as well.]
...I do understand that, though it is a different matter to feel it.
[If that makes sense. Logically, he understands that none of this is his fault. If anyone is to blame, it's the Goddess for dragging him here instead of someone more suitable, but even that is a stretch. No one's really at fault for how much of a fish out of water he is here. The problem is not understanding it, but rather taking that understanding and accepting it.]
I— V'rhas is used to fighting against overwhelming odds. He is used to having the weight of the world on his shoulders. To say that I am out of my depth here is understating it.
[He hasn't had time to simply be "Fray" before arriving here. He hasn't experienced downtime like this since... well, since V'rhas's journey started.
Fray pauses once that's out there, then shakes his head with a sigh.]
My apologies, Sayaka. I don't mean to make you worry. I've been struggling with all of this more than I care to let on with the others, I suppose.
...Feelings are way too complicated to really get even on a good day. So...believe me. I understand.
[It doesn't quite reach a level of self depreciation; it's more of a fact. Feelings fucking suck, man.
But Sayaka continues to listen, piecing the internal puzzle together or at least trying to. She'll never have the full puzzle, because in a sense...Fray isn't a full puzzle. He was a pre-made one who had some of the pieces taken out, and now he's been meant to find new ones to replace the ones he already had. It's only frustrating to her in the sense that Sayaka's such a woefully incomplete puzzle herself, and she still doesn't know her own path forward or what pieces she wants to use to fill her own void.
Sayaka listens, though. The notable correction of V'rhas instead of himself...]
...V'rhas might be. But that doesn't mean that you are entirely, Fray.
[It's gentle, though. Sayaka shakes her head at the apology but accepts it nonetheless.]
It's okay to struggle. It's...I'm kind of figuring out that that's kind of how life is, too, kind of. But it really isn't any trouble, you know. I'd rather you talk about it and get it out in the open than let it eat away at you, you know? It...
It seems to be the best way to deal with problems, rather than bottling them up and hoping they go away.
[And at that, her expression softens.]
...Do you have any idea of anything that could help, you think? Or...what you would want, ideally, to help. Maybe?
[It gets a soft sound of assent from him; feelings suck so much, damn. But if he has to do this, he'd rather do it with Sayaka, who at least won't judge him for fumbling around in the dark like this.]
Right now, all I want to do is fight until I can stop thinking.
[Usually Fray is a little more put-together, but that sounds rather petulant; a little more like the young adult he actually is.]
The more lost in my head I get, the further I stray from what is truly important. We're all in this mess together, and I don't want to forget that.
Sayaka loses the battle of will to not giggle a bit at the petulance, she's so sorry Fray--]
I-I promise-- [Sayaka seeks to clarify, just because of who she is.] I'm not laughing at you. That was just...refreshingly selfish of you, I think. If I didn't need to rest, I'd offer to take you up on that...
But you definitely won't. That isn't the sort of thing you'd allow of yourself.
[The giggling does die down, though.]
I could go for some sweets right about now myself, so you're definitely not alone in the selfish thoughts.
It's okay. You don't have to apologize for it; I think that's just going to be a natural part of...well, me.
[But she gets it. Honestly, the fact that she learned that most people don't heavily self reflect and scrutinize every action of theirs was so eye opening. Enviable, really, to not think.]
I'm probably going to turn in shortly, but if there's anything else you want to talk about, I'm here for you. Always will be. But please feel free to do whatever you need to; you know me by now.
[Once Sayaka's out, she's out like a damn light. A shocking thing after murderschool, really, but she's always just kind of slept deeply. So if he needs to do anything, he doesn't need to worry.
...Also god she's probably so off her sleep schedule, this is going to be hilarious considering Argenti's palace. So much about resting--]
[He leaves the thinking to V'rhas (this is a lie, V'rhas also does not think), it's fiiiine.]
I appreciate it, far more than words can say.
[He gently squeezes her hand before letting go.]
This is more than enough for now. Thank you for listening, and for worrying. You need to rest; get some sleep, Sayaka.
[Admittedly he needs to go to bed too, but he'll wait until after she's gone to bed, as he usually does. And then we'll be dragged into yet another palace because we can't have nice things—]
Always glad to... [Yaaaawn.] You get some good sleep too, whenever you decide to.
Good night, Fray.
[It thankfully won't take her too long, once she's on her side and curls up with a blanket; she's always been used to sleeping with bright lights and lots of sound nearby, and it probably won't take her very long to doze right off.]
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linknet2024-07-25 09:56 pm
no subject
Sayaka damns the fact, sometimes, that Fray's even more unreadable than she is. Not that the pressures of this place have made keeping her masking up any easier, and now that there's practically no point anymore--it feels strange being exposed. It also means it's strange to not be able to read people as properly, though Fray's always been pretty good at hiding his feelings. She knows it's probably as much of a defense mechanism for him, as it was for her.]
"Protecting those who cannot protect themselves." You told me about that.
[Sayaka's words are soft, and once she gets her barrettes out and set aside, she'll scooch a little closer. Though a hesitant gesture, because physical affection remains difficult even on a good day, she offers a hand out for Fray, in case he needs it.]
I don't blame you, you know. For finding the palaces to be rather frustrating. Every one of them seems to be more arduous, and they're always so overwhelming, too. And you can't predict what everyone is going to do, or what they'll find...
It's frustrating, isn't it? To not be able to fulfill what you feel you should do here. I get what you're talking about.
...You know that you do a really good job, though, right? You're always the first one to jump into the battle to take on enemies. When someone is hurt, you're so quick to jump in and keep everyone alive. You know you're good for that too, right?
[...]
Is there...something else to it, you think? Or alongside it?
[Sayaka doesn't know if he'll trust her, not entirely, but she doesn't want to force it. So she'll crack the metaphorical door open a bit, and let the question set.]
no subject
I do what I can. I have been blessed with the ability to heal here, as I had back home. To protect does not only mean to physically block blows, but to do support my allies in whatever way I'm capable of.
[So he's a Utility and he doesn't mind it, but...]
You're right. It is frustrating. Beyond frustrating. I have only ever had to rely on one consistent ally - and he was always easy to read. His movements were mine, his thoughts and feelings and actions mine own. I have never once had to predict what he would do, because I always knew what he would do.
He was also only one person. With so many of us, there are more who can heal and help our allies, but that also means there are more who can be hurt. It's difficult to keep track of everyone, to ensure that all parties are safe and as unharmed as they can be.
[He shakes his head once that's out there. It's just... agitating, to not be able to do exactly what he wants in the way he's used to, because he has to learn so much all over again from scratch. He never had to properly learn it the first time around either, so Fray really is stumbling in the dark here.]
It's worth it, of course. To be able to work alongside so many people fighting for the same goal. I don't mean for my complaints to sound aimed at them. It's my personal failings that frustrate me.
[And even though they were lucky today... who's to say they'll be as lucky tomorrow? Or next week? Or whenever the next palace feels the need to spawn? After all, there's a very high chance that the next one will belong to—
No. He's not going to think about that.]
no subject
But Sayaka listens to Fray's struggles, and it makes sense the more she pieces it together. It's weird to use any sort of her usual analyzing for something to help someone other than herself, but...]
...I think I get what you mean. You've always had V'rhas' experiences to fall back on, and you've always been...in control of most situations you've been a part of. There wasn't any unpredictability, save for what your opponents could throw at you, but even then you blended seamlessly with his own experiences and predictable movements.
You definitely don't sound like you're blaming anyone though, Fray. [Sayaka's grip tightens on his hand, very gently but it's there.] Frustrated with situations outside of your control, yes. With us? No. You've kind of been thrust into an unpredictable situation from the start, with more unpredictability thrown on top as the weeks go on. I think it's pretty understandable that you're frustrated about it.
But...you know that it isn't your fault that the world isn't as predictable as it once was for you, right?
[It's gentle, because even when trying to be herself--she doesn't have it in her to be too harsh. But it isn't admonishing either; hell, it took her this long to realize that trying to predict the world so constantly was destroying her from the inside.
She doesn't want to see Fray end up down that same path.]
no subject
...I do understand that, though it is a different matter to feel it.
[If that makes sense. Logically, he understands that none of this is his fault. If anyone is to blame, it's the Goddess for dragging him here instead of someone more suitable, but even that is a stretch. No one's really at fault for how much of a fish out of water he is here. The problem is not understanding it, but rather taking that understanding and accepting it.]
I— V'rhas is used to fighting against overwhelming odds. He is used to having the weight of the world on his shoulders. To say that I am out of my depth here is understating it.
[He hasn't had time to simply be "Fray" before arriving here. He hasn't experienced downtime like this since... well, since V'rhas's journey started.
Fray pauses once that's out there, then shakes his head with a sigh.]
My apologies, Sayaka. I don't mean to make you worry. I've been struggling with all of this more than I care to let on with the others, I suppose.
no subject
[It doesn't quite reach a level of self depreciation; it's more of a fact. Feelings fucking suck, man.
But Sayaka continues to listen, piecing the internal puzzle together or at least trying to. She'll never have the full puzzle, because in a sense...Fray isn't a full puzzle. He was a pre-made one who had some of the pieces taken out, and now he's been meant to find new ones to replace the ones he already had. It's only frustrating to her in the sense that Sayaka's such a woefully incomplete puzzle herself, and she still doesn't know her own path forward or what pieces she wants to use to fill her own void.
Sayaka listens, though. The notable correction of V'rhas instead of himself...]
...V'rhas might be. But that doesn't mean that you are entirely, Fray.
[It's gentle, though. Sayaka shakes her head at the apology but accepts it nonetheless.]
It's okay to struggle. It's...I'm kind of figuring out that that's kind of how life is, too, kind of. But it really isn't any trouble, you know. I'd rather you talk about it and get it out in the open than let it eat away at you, you know? It...
It seems to be the best way to deal with problems, rather than bottling them up and hoping they go away.
[And at that, her expression softens.]
...Do you have any idea of anything that could help, you think? Or...what you would want, ideally, to help. Maybe?
no subject
Right now, all I want to do is fight until I can stop thinking.
[Usually Fray is a little more put-together, but that sounds rather petulant; a little more like the young adult he actually is.]
The more lost in my head I get, the further I stray from what is truly important. We're all in this mess together, and I don't want to forget that.
no subject
Sayaka loses the battle of will to not giggle a bit at the petulance, she's so sorry Fray--]
I-I promise-- [Sayaka seeks to clarify, just because of who she is.] I'm not laughing at you. That was just...refreshingly selfish of you, I think. If I didn't need to rest, I'd offer to take you up on that...
But you definitely won't. That isn't the sort of thing you'd allow of yourself.
[The giggling does die down, though.]
I could go for some sweets right about now myself, so you're definitely not alone in the selfish thoughts.
no subject
There's only so much self-reflection I can do in a single day before I get tired of it.
[But he's calmed down quite a bit since they started talking, so this has clearly done some good.]
Thank you for listening, although I truly am sorry for worrying you.
no subject
[But she gets it. Honestly, the fact that she learned that most people don't heavily self reflect and scrutinize every action of theirs was so eye opening. Enviable, really, to not think.]
I'm probably going to turn in shortly, but if there's anything else you want to talk about, I'm here for you. Always will be. But please feel free to do whatever you need to; you know me by now.
[Once Sayaka's out, she's out like a damn light. A shocking thing after murderschool, really, but she's always just kind of slept deeply. So if he needs to do anything, he doesn't need to worry.
...Also god she's probably so off her sleep schedule, this is going to be hilarious considering Argenti's palace. So much about resting--]
no subject
I appreciate it, far more than words can say.
[He gently squeezes her hand before letting go.]
This is more than enough for now. Thank you for listening, and for worrying. You need to rest; get some sleep, Sayaka.
[Admittedly he needs to go to bed too, but he'll wait until after she's gone to bed, as he usually does. And then we'll be dragged into yet another palace because we can't have nice things—]
no subject
Good night, Fray.
[It thankfully won't take her too long, once she's on her side and curls up with a blanket; she's always been used to sleeping with bright lights and lots of sound nearby, and it probably won't take her very long to doze right off.]