Yes, ballet. My expertise had been in dance and instruments, above everything else. [Except for murder, of course!] I'd neglected my skills in recent years, but I refuse to let them waste away now.
[Which is why it's a good starting point-- it's the perfect segue into who or what he is, was, should have been, and had ignored for his entire adult life up to this point.]
Now that I no longer have anything to fear about who I am, why should I continue to neglect myself? I may not be of the Troupe any longer, but I am still the man they made of me. Atem's little game helped me sort that all out. In a way, I'm quite... grateful. [Then he waves his hand at Haruka. One more question!]
Ballet... That's impressive. I'd like to see it, some day.
[That was something he never had training in, most of his dance training on other forms. He's curious about it—and he wants to know more about the troupe, of course, and what Shalem means when he no longer fears who he is, but...
Well, that's not what he's most curious about. There's more important things to talk about, obviously]
Opera, mostly. But not truly my area. When I was younger, I was a baritone, but I've not been tested in so long. As you can tell, I've not dabbled in art for a very, very long time.
[No hesitation, no preamble, no prevarication. Just a straightforward response that yes, he is happy. He looks better, like he actually slept-- almost impossible lately, but now, he's completely fine, even if the shadows under his eyes will take a while to fade away.]
The weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can think clearly. You can never appreciate how much of a boon an uncluttered mind is until you live with thoughts upon thoughts without rest. [Then he studies his nails for a moment.] I only regret that it took me this long, and needed an outside force to make it so.
I shall see this through to the end, of course. I have an interest in returning home. [But what is "home"? Rhodes Island, or the Troupe? Perhaps... neither.]
Isn't life here stifling? I find it so, unable to show my true appearance despite the insistence on being true to ourselves and other people to forge connections. This world also doesn't have the accommodations I need for a proper life.
[Rhodes Island pays better than this place, js.]
That means working with everyone else until the end.
[Even if it's... good to know? And it is something to think about, how everything here and in his life before has been about repressing himself... Sure, what he was repressing might have been murderous tendencies, but it's still hard on the mind to treat yourself like that.
Why is he empathizing with someone who could kill him? Ugh. It's fine, though. Shalem might be capable of doing terrible things, but he hasn't mistreated Haruka. (Yet. He knows there's almost always a "yet". It's just his lot in life.]
I meant... does this mean you're going to perform again? Go back on stage and everything, even though... Y'know. And I know you said one question only, but, I mean, do all of your performances go like how the Palace was?
[A vague gesture meant to incorporate that bizarre Troupe Haruka saw training him and also the insane shit he was saying to Atem.]
You're asking if I shall return to the Crimson Troupe, are you not? [For all the vague commentary, Shalem still understood what he meant.] No, perhaps not.
[And he won't be sharing why, even if he would dearly like to return. But he would prefer to live a little longer.]
Perhaps I shall simply quit my job and become an independent actor, moving from place to place as I please.
[Not so much in the sense Haruka would want to quit his idol career, but more it would be nice to not worry about terrible upper management.
He tugs at the hem of his sleeves, a nervous tick as he tries to sort through all the questions and thoughts jumbled in his mind. There's a lot to unpack! With this snake!]
Um. The stuff on your chest, are those... like, weird scales? Or is it something else?
[rockitis is obvs a better topic than just asking if he plans to commit more murders!!!]
[He pulls his shirt off to show off the crystals on his chest. However, there's been a development-- when they were less than a handful before, they've multiplied.]
Do you truly want to know? Because such a topic... it's never pleasant for anyone to hear.
I am dying. [Does his deadpan delivery make this answer better, or worse?]
This illness has ore growing in my body, and the fact that you are seeing its metastasis means I'm entering its later stages, and am in need of proper medical care.
[Which this world does not have. That much is obvious by the way he lets the silence hang between them for a moment before speaking again.]
There's no cure, merely an attempt at giving the afflicted a better quality of life until the ore overtakes them.
cw: discussion of terminal illness & death (in the metatext)
[Honestly? The deadpan delivery makes it better, at least for Haruka. Being told at all is better than not knowing, or being cagey about. He's seen what happens when people try to hide their illnesses. He's seen how bitter and hurt Minami was over Haruki keeping his illness a secret for him, and how that bitterness and contempt buried any fondness Minami had for his teacher.
He still remembers the fight ŹOOĻ had over going to Northmeir so Minami could see Haruki, too. How much more miserable would he be if he hadn't had that time with him before Haruki passed away?]
Does it hurt?
[Asking what he could do to help is pointless—he's not that delusional to think he could do anything to help. It's a real illness, not some annoying status ailment in the Nekyia.
Still, he worries, even if Shalem might not appreciate it. If he's in pain, he can't do anything to help, but. Well. Too late to take back the question.]
When they first emerged, there was, indeed, pain. [And sometimes, there's pain even when he moves himself a certain way, but he managed in Atem's palace with the way he kept moving around, and he'll continue to manage until he returns to Rhodes Island.]
But nothing unmanageable.
[His gentle expression turns a little bit wry before smoothing itself out.]
[Huffs! He might be pouting as well, but he rolls his eyes.]
Of course you'd say something like that.
[Brushing things off with "experienced worse"! Everyone always does that!]
...Is there anything else I should know?
[He. Really does not want to talk about the murder stuff because he likes Shalem... But if they must...
It's not like he's even the first person Haruka's met who would willingly kill someone, either, but it's still different since Ryou hired grunts to try that.]
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You seem to be curious about a great many things... and tend to assume when you are curious. Such things in tandem usually invite disaster.
Are you sure you want to know?
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[Seems logical, doesn't it? It does to Haruka, at least.]
So, I want to know.
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Put aside all your assumptions and questions until I invite them-- that is my only condition.
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...That seems like an acceptable condition.
[He just stares back at him, wondering what exactly Shalem is looking for from him.]
The stage is all yours.
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Yes, ballet. My expertise had been in dance and instruments, above everything else. [Except for murder, of course!] I'd neglected my skills in recent years, but I refuse to let them waste away now.
[Which is why it's a good starting point-- it's the perfect segue into who or what he is, was, should have been, and had ignored for his entire adult life up to this point.]
Now that I no longer have anything to fear about who I am, why should I continue to neglect myself? I may not be of the Troupe any longer, but I am still the man they made of me. Atem's little game helped me sort that all out. In a way, I'm quite... grateful. [Then he waves his hand at Haruka. One more question!]
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[That was something he never had training in, most of his dance training on other forms. He's curious about it—and he wants to know more about the troupe, of course, and what Shalem means when he no longer fears who he is, but...
Well, that's not what he's most curious about. There's more important things to talk about, obviously]
Do you sing?
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[he will continue to derail for the time being]
Could you teach me a bit? Of whatever, it doesn't have to be opera or ballet.
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Surely you're not satisfied with this.
Perhaps get to the meat of things.
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[He has to prioritize what to ask first! He's a performer, okay?
But... hm. Meatier questions...]
Are you happier now?
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[No hesitation, no preamble, no prevarication. Just a straightforward response that yes, he is happy. He looks better, like he actually slept-- almost impossible lately, but now, he's completely fine, even if the shadows under his eyes will take a while to fade away.]
The weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can think clearly. You can never appreciate how much of a boon an uncluttered mind is until you live with thoughts upon thoughts without rest. [Then he studies his nails for a moment.] I only regret that it took me this long, and needed an outside force to make it so.
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Saying he only wanted a "normal life"...]
Sometimes that's what it takes, when you're a stubborn bastard.
[Not that he's one to talk.]
What are you going to do now?
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Isn't life here stifling? I find it so, unable to show my true appearance despite the insistence on being true to ourselves and other people to forge connections. This world also doesn't have the accommodations I need for a proper life.
[Rhodes Island pays better than this place, js.]
That means working with everyone else until the end.
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That's not what I meant.
[Even if it's... good to know? And it is something to think about, how everything here and in his life before has been about repressing himself... Sure, what he was repressing might have been murderous tendencies, but it's still hard on the mind to treat yourself like that.
Why is he empathizing with someone who could kill him? Ugh. It's fine, though. Shalem might be capable of doing terrible things, but he hasn't mistreated Haruka. (Yet. He knows there's almost always a "yet". It's just his lot in life.]
I meant... does this mean you're going to perform again? Go back on stage and everything, even though... Y'know. And I know you said one question only, but, I mean, do all of your performances go like how the Palace was?
[A vague gesture meant to incorporate that bizarre Troupe Haruka saw training him and also the insane shit he was saying to Atem.]
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You're asking if I shall return to the Crimson Troupe, are you not? [For all the vague commentary, Shalem still understood what he meant.] No, perhaps not.
[And he won't be sharing why, even if he would dearly like to return. But he would prefer to live a little longer.]
Perhaps I shall simply quit my job and become an independent actor, moving from place to place as I please.
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[Not so much in the sense Haruka would want to quit his idol career, but more it would be nice to not worry about terrible upper management.
He tugs at the hem of his sleeves, a nervous tick as he tries to sort through all the questions and thoughts jumbled in his mind. There's a lot to unpack! With this snake!]
Um. The stuff on your chest, are those... like, weird scales? Or is it something else?
[rockitis is obvs a better topic than just asking if he plans to commit more murders!!!]
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[He pulls his shirt off to show off the crystals on his chest. However, there's been a development-- when they were less than a handful before, they've multiplied.]
Do you truly want to know? Because such a topic... it's never pleasant for anyone to hear.
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I do. We're supposed to be making our connection better, aren't we?
[Or. Whatever it is this conversation is right now. Not a friendship, though!]
cw: discussion of terminal illness
This illness has ore growing in my body, and the fact that you are seeing its metastasis means I'm entering its later stages, and am in need of proper medical care.
[Which this world does not have. That much is obvious by the way he lets the silence hang between them for a moment before speaking again.]
There's no cure, merely an attempt at giving the afflicted a better quality of life until the ore overtakes them.
cw: discussion of terminal illness & death (in the metatext)
He still remembers the fight ŹOOĻ had over going to Northmeir so Minami could see Haruki, too. How much more miserable would he be if he hadn't had that time with him before Haruki passed away?]
Does it hurt?
[Asking what he could do to help is pointless—he's not that delusional to think he could do anything to help. It's a real illness, not some annoying status ailment in the Nekyia.
Still, he worries, even if Shalem might not appreciate it. If he's in pain, he can't do anything to help, but. Well. Too late to take back the question.]
It looks like it would.
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But nothing unmanageable.
[His gentle expression turns a little bit wry before smoothing itself out.]
I've experienced worse in my lifetime.
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Of course you'd say something like that.
[Brushing things off with "experienced worse"! Everyone always does that!]
...Is there anything else I should know?
[He. Really does not want to talk about the murder stuff because he likes Shalem... But if they must...
It's not like he's even the first person Haruka's met who would willingly kill someone, either, but it's still different since Ryou hired grunts to try that.]
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That all depends on you. [He rests his arm on his knee, and his chin on his open palm.]
It's not as if I know instinctively what your questions are.
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1/???
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fin,,,,
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NSFW from now on, uwu
owo
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uses this icon b/c i haven't made more and 95% of his spicy fanart is this face anyways--
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