[No hesitation, no preamble, no prevarication. Just a straightforward response that yes, he is happy. He looks better, like he actually slept-- almost impossible lately, but now, he's completely fine, even if the shadows under his eyes will take a while to fade away.]
The weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can think clearly. You can never appreciate how much of a boon an uncluttered mind is until you live with thoughts upon thoughts without rest. [Then he studies his nails for a moment.] I only regret that it took me this long, and needed an outside force to make it so.
I shall see this through to the end, of course. I have an interest in returning home. [But what is "home"? Rhodes Island, or the Troupe? Perhaps... neither.]
Isn't life here stifling? I find it so, unable to show my true appearance despite the insistence on being true to ourselves and other people to forge connections. This world also doesn't have the accommodations I need for a proper life.
[Rhodes Island pays better than this place, js.]
That means working with everyone else until the end.
[Even if it's... good to know? And it is something to think about, how everything here and in his life before has been about repressing himself... Sure, what he was repressing might have been murderous tendencies, but it's still hard on the mind to treat yourself like that.
Why is he empathizing with someone who could kill him? Ugh. It's fine, though. Shalem might be capable of doing terrible things, but he hasn't mistreated Haruka. (Yet. He knows there's almost always a "yet". It's just his lot in life.]
I meant... does this mean you're going to perform again? Go back on stage and everything, even though... Y'know. And I know you said one question only, but, I mean, do all of your performances go like how the Palace was?
[A vague gesture meant to incorporate that bizarre Troupe Haruka saw training him and also the insane shit he was saying to Atem.]
You're asking if I shall return to the Crimson Troupe, are you not? [For all the vague commentary, Shalem still understood what he meant.] No, perhaps not.
[And he won't be sharing why, even if he would dearly like to return. But he would prefer to live a little longer.]
Perhaps I shall simply quit my job and become an independent actor, moving from place to place as I please.
[Not so much in the sense Haruka would want to quit his idol career, but more it would be nice to not worry about terrible upper management.
He tugs at the hem of his sleeves, a nervous tick as he tries to sort through all the questions and thoughts jumbled in his mind. There's a lot to unpack! With this snake!]
Um. The stuff on your chest, are those... like, weird scales? Or is it something else?
[rockitis is obvs a better topic than just asking if he plans to commit more murders!!!]
[He pulls his shirt off to show off the crystals on his chest. However, there's been a development-- when they were less than a handful before, they've multiplied.]
Do you truly want to know? Because such a topic... it's never pleasant for anyone to hear.
I am dying. [Does his deadpan delivery make this answer better, or worse?]
This illness has ore growing in my body, and the fact that you are seeing its metastasis means I'm entering its later stages, and am in need of proper medical care.
[Which this world does not have. That much is obvious by the way he lets the silence hang between them for a moment before speaking again.]
There's no cure, merely an attempt at giving the afflicted a better quality of life until the ore overtakes them.
cw: discussion of terminal illness & death (in the metatext)
[Honestly? The deadpan delivery makes it better, at least for Haruka. Being told at all is better than not knowing, or being cagey about. He's seen what happens when people try to hide their illnesses. He's seen how bitter and hurt Minami was over Haruki keeping his illness a secret for him, and how that bitterness and contempt buried any fondness Minami had for his teacher.
He still remembers the fight ŹOOĻ had over going to Northmeir so Minami could see Haruki, too. How much more miserable would he be if he hadn't had that time with him before Haruki passed away?]
Does it hurt?
[Asking what he could do to help is pointless—he's not that delusional to think he could do anything to help. It's a real illness, not some annoying status ailment in the Nekyia.
Still, he worries, even if Shalem might not appreciate it. If he's in pain, he can't do anything to help, but. Well. Too late to take back the question.]
When they first emerged, there was, indeed, pain. [And sometimes, there's pain even when he moves himself a certain way, but he managed in Atem's palace with the way he kept moving around, and he'll continue to manage until he returns to Rhodes Island.]
But nothing unmanageable.
[His gentle expression turns a little bit wry before smoothing itself out.]
[Huffs! He might be pouting as well, but he rolls his eyes.]
Of course you'd say something like that.
[Brushing things off with "experienced worse"! Everyone always does that!]
...Is there anything else I should know?
[He. Really does not want to talk about the murder stuff because he likes Shalem... But if they must...
It's not like he's even the first person Haruka's met who would willingly kill someone, either, but it's still different since Ryou hired grunts to try that.]
[Shalem makes another hmm, falling silent as he studies Haruka, his body language, and thinks back to their previous interactions (14). How Haruka acted back then. Where his eyes strayed, the words he used.
Hmm. He thinks he has a hunch, but...? The only proper way to test that hunch is to say something.]
I wonder... is an attraction considered bad intent?
[His face goes scarlet, and he covers his cheeks as if that's actually going to help cover up the fact he's blushing. He wants to crawl into a hole and never come out.
It's bad enough that he has to admit that, yeah, okay, he thinks Shalem is pretty attractive, and the delight he had in bloodshed didn't make him any less hot. But adding the fact that it was obvious enough to get called out for it? He's done. He's dead. We're so over.]
[But then Haruka gets a hold of himself and cuts the crisis off, though the redness in his cheeks doesn't fade.
He takes a breath to calm himself, though he's having a hard time making eye contact, staring at a spot on the wall instead of Shalem. He's still pretty embarrassed for being called out... But it's fine, it's fine, it's not that big of a deal.]
That... would depend on if you have a problem with it, wouldn't it? Because it's not like I would ever do anything about it.
[Unless Shalem wanted him to...? Realistically, would he be that lucky? Probably not, but that's okay.]
[Ha. Seems like he was right. He's rarely wrong when it comes to people, even if he had to make a big leap in logic and then a bigger leap of faith that his idea was right. He's getting rusty, and he really should fix that.]
I prefer men myself, you don't need judgement from there. [But he's going to tease a bit.] Though I'm sure most would judge you for your choice.
[Especially after that display in Atem's palace! Shalem himself is embarrassed, he was acting like a boy who'd just discovered a vice. He was taught to have more dignity than that, thank you!]
[Okay maybe it is fair to question his taste, but whatever. Somehow that wasn't a turnoff because Haruka is stupid and keeps thinking about how Shalem ended up like this and how he's pleasant company and the only person so far Haruka feels is on his level as a performer even though their performances are very different and—
He needs to stop. He's annoyed at himself and how cringy he is. Just because someone hasn't taken advantage of him means he has to be so pathetic!! Just because it's rare doesn't mean it's anything special.]
And you're one of those people judging my choice? I don't care about what anyone else would think.
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[he will continue to derail for the time being]
Could you teach me a bit? Of whatever, it doesn't have to be opera or ballet.
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Surely you're not satisfied with this.
Perhaps get to the meat of things.
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[He has to prioritize what to ask first! He's a performer, okay?
But... hm. Meatier questions...]
Are you happier now?
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[No hesitation, no preamble, no prevarication. Just a straightforward response that yes, he is happy. He looks better, like he actually slept-- almost impossible lately, but now, he's completely fine, even if the shadows under his eyes will take a while to fade away.]
The weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I can think clearly. You can never appreciate how much of a boon an uncluttered mind is until you live with thoughts upon thoughts without rest. [Then he studies his nails for a moment.] I only regret that it took me this long, and needed an outside force to make it so.
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Saying he only wanted a "normal life"...]
Sometimes that's what it takes, when you're a stubborn bastard.
[Not that he's one to talk.]
What are you going to do now?
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Isn't life here stifling? I find it so, unable to show my true appearance despite the insistence on being true to ourselves and other people to forge connections. This world also doesn't have the accommodations I need for a proper life.
[Rhodes Island pays better than this place, js.]
That means working with everyone else until the end.
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That's not what I meant.
[Even if it's... good to know? And it is something to think about, how everything here and in his life before has been about repressing himself... Sure, what he was repressing might have been murderous tendencies, but it's still hard on the mind to treat yourself like that.
Why is he empathizing with someone who could kill him? Ugh. It's fine, though. Shalem might be capable of doing terrible things, but he hasn't mistreated Haruka. (Yet. He knows there's almost always a "yet". It's just his lot in life.]
I meant... does this mean you're going to perform again? Go back on stage and everything, even though... Y'know. And I know you said one question only, but, I mean, do all of your performances go like how the Palace was?
[A vague gesture meant to incorporate that bizarre Troupe Haruka saw training him and also the insane shit he was saying to Atem.]
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You're asking if I shall return to the Crimson Troupe, are you not? [For all the vague commentary, Shalem still understood what he meant.] No, perhaps not.
[And he won't be sharing why, even if he would dearly like to return. But he would prefer to live a little longer.]
Perhaps I shall simply quit my job and become an independent actor, moving from place to place as I please.
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[Not so much in the sense Haruka would want to quit his idol career, but more it would be nice to not worry about terrible upper management.
He tugs at the hem of his sleeves, a nervous tick as he tries to sort through all the questions and thoughts jumbled in his mind. There's a lot to unpack! With this snake!]
Um. The stuff on your chest, are those... like, weird scales? Or is it something else?
[rockitis is obvs a better topic than just asking if he plans to commit more murders!!!]
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[He pulls his shirt off to show off the crystals on his chest. However, there's been a development-- when they were less than a handful before, they've multiplied.]
Do you truly want to know? Because such a topic... it's never pleasant for anyone to hear.
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I do. We're supposed to be making our connection better, aren't we?
[Or. Whatever it is this conversation is right now. Not a friendship, though!]
cw: discussion of terminal illness
This illness has ore growing in my body, and the fact that you are seeing its metastasis means I'm entering its later stages, and am in need of proper medical care.
[Which this world does not have. That much is obvious by the way he lets the silence hang between them for a moment before speaking again.]
There's no cure, merely an attempt at giving the afflicted a better quality of life until the ore overtakes them.
cw: discussion of terminal illness & death (in the metatext)
He still remembers the fight ŹOOĻ had over going to Northmeir so Minami could see Haruki, too. How much more miserable would he be if he hadn't had that time with him before Haruki passed away?]
Does it hurt?
[Asking what he could do to help is pointless—he's not that delusional to think he could do anything to help. It's a real illness, not some annoying status ailment in the Nekyia.
Still, he worries, even if Shalem might not appreciate it. If he's in pain, he can't do anything to help, but. Well. Too late to take back the question.]
It looks like it would.
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But nothing unmanageable.
[His gentle expression turns a little bit wry before smoothing itself out.]
I've experienced worse in my lifetime.
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Of course you'd say something like that.
[Brushing things off with "experienced worse"! Everyone always does that!]
...Is there anything else I should know?
[He. Really does not want to talk about the murder stuff because he likes Shalem... But if they must...
It's not like he's even the first person Haruka's met who would willingly kill someone, either, but it's still different since Ryou hired grunts to try that.]
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That all depends on you. [He rests his arm on his knee, and his chin on his open palm.]
It's not as if I know instinctively what your questions are.
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[honking his clown nose]
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Or... is this an attempt at preserving yourself, to get on my good side?
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[Rude! As if Haruka has anything to gain from this besides his safety, which isn't all that important in the scheme of things.]
I'm not trying to get close to save my own skin.
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Hmm. He thinks he has a hunch, but...? The only proper way to test that hunch is to say something.]
I wonder... is an attraction considered bad intent?
1/???
[Haruka blinks at him, genuine confusion crossing his face. What is Shalem... talking about...
Ah.
Ah?
AAAAAAAAAA—
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It's bad enough that he has to admit that, yeah, okay, he thinks Shalem is pretty attractive, and the delight he had in bloodshed didn't make him any less hot. But adding the fact that it was obvious enough to get called out for it? He's done. He's dead. We're so over.]
fin,,,,
He takes a breath to calm himself, though he's having a hard time making eye contact, staring at a spot on the wall instead of Shalem. He's still pretty embarrassed for being called out... But it's fine, it's fine, it's not that big of a deal.]
That... would depend on if you have a problem with it, wouldn't it? Because it's not like I would ever do anything about it.
[Unless Shalem wanted him to...? Realistically, would he be that lucky? Probably not, but that's okay.]
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I prefer men myself, you don't need judgement from there. [But he's going to tease a bit.] Though I'm sure most would judge you for your choice.
[Especially after that display in Atem's palace! Shalem himself is embarrassed, he was acting like a boy who'd just discovered a vice. He was taught to have more dignity than that, thank you!]
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He needs to stop. He's annoyed at himself and how cringy he is. Just because someone hasn't taken advantage of him means he has to be so pathetic!! Just because it's rare doesn't mean it's anything special.]
And you're one of those people judging my choice? I don't care about what anyone else would think.
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NSFW from now on, uwu
owo
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uses this icon b/c i haven't made more and 95% of his spicy fanart is this face anyways--
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