It is, and 'm sick and tired of it! I keep yelling about how I'm as human as anyone else, but I'm not, am I?! I'm just a freak... I'm dangerous... and stupid... some dog to keep chained up until you... until you need him...
[ Which is traumatically similar to Izou's problems, but at least Izou got to be human until the end! Fffuck, here comes the tears again. ]
This all just proves it... my nature is nothing but a beast... a fuckin' wolf, a hellhound, whatever. Doesn't fuckin' matter which, the message is clear, y'know? It's not like I haven't tried! Everything was fine until we had to stay in the city! Didn't have to deal with normal humans... staring... refusing to be around me... didn't have to sleep indoors all the time or... or follow all their shitty ass rules...
[As Eli elaborates, Arven quickly realizes how in over his head he is. He doesn't know how much help he can be. But can't he say the same for his experiences in the palaces? The best he can do is listen and try. Eli deserves that much.]
I can't begin to imagine the stuff you've gone through back home, or say I understand what it feels like to be in your shoes. [With a deadly condition like lycanthropy.] Heck, I was even one of those same people freaking out when you told me. But it was dumb of me.
[He gives another nudge, gentler this time.]
I don't think you're just a beast. I've only ever known you as Eli- the guy who helped Aubrey get out a deep, dark nightmare. The guy who cares about people. The guy who cares about animals, which is even more important if you ask me.
[It's an attempt to lighten the mood, but he also means it. He was annoyed at how Eli cozied up to Mabosstiff at first because they were butting heads, but as they've spent more time together, he's come to appreciate it. Even if they still butt heads.]
And yeah, I know I haven't seen you transformed. But I think at this point it wouldn't change what I think. Because I know you're more than that. Way more.
As for Garm... [He drums his fingers against his knees.] D'you think he came out of you 'cause of how you're talking right now?
Tch, of course caring about animals is more important...
[ Cue additional ear ruffles for Mabosstiff. ]
They don't care what I am. Well. Mostly. Prey animals freak out a bit. [ Don't Let Him Near Rabbits. ] And, I mean... you all ain't the problem. It's not like everyone back home's at fault for being afraid. I'm... tame, I guess... but others out there would rather run around attacking people, biting them, even eating them...
[ That fear isn't unjustified, generally, but Eli isn't feral. Good luck convincing a regular passerby of that, though. ]
I don't even know what the fuck to think about Garm. I mean, why else would he have come from me? He's a dangerous beast, I'm a dangerous beast... That makes sense, doesn't it?
[Mabosstiff leans into the ear ruffles, his tail wagging contentedly.]
Can you blame me? I saw more Pokemon than people growing up.
[But this isn't about him, so he quickly moves on from that.]
I mean, I guess it's natural to be afraid, but having a heart and at least trying to understand is important too. It's like with Aubrey, kinda. People being crappy and making a whole ton of assumptions.
That's what I'm saying with Garm, though. It's like he's a...ugh, what do you call it? You expect it so of course that's what you get.
[The term he's looking for is "self-fulfilling prophecy".]
Yeah. I... was really mad when those things kept talking shit about her. It's happened to me. Plenty of times, too. It's why I thought... hell, may as well try a hug. 's what mom would do.
[ lol as if eli could summon up the term "self-fulfilling prophecy" so they're both at a loss there ]
Nn. So, what? I try and expect something different? How'd that even work? I dunno if Personas can change or... evolve? Into other things? Not that I think I'd manage it... 'm too wild. Thought losing all the lycanthropy shit would... that it'd make me happy. Just makes me weaker, in the end, so 'm not happy as boring old plain human, either. Not happy as a werewolf. Not happy as anything, I guess.
...Yeah, same. [People talking about him and his parents like they have any idea what life was really like when they were never around... Anyway, he manages a small smile when Eli mentions his mom.] I'm glad your mom has your back, at least.
[It doesn't help here, of course. And that's where the biggest problem lies. He peers over at Eli, thoughtful.]
I dunno if it's something you can change, more like... It's like the whole thing behind those palaces. It's something you gotta come to terms with. Liking yourself, and everything that you are.
Yeah... mom's great... but I was even picking fights with her before, well, all of this...
[ He may be Going Through It, whatever it is. ]
I don't get how to like myself when... when so many other people just... don't. 's like, everyone here is fine? But this isn't home. Y'know, that Maika chick, she's sorta like me? And said I got three choices. Run away... stay and keep fighting everything... or change. What if all I can do is run? In the end? Leave... never go back...
[What a way for Arven to learn that Maika has werewolf stuff going on, apparently.
He frowns at this hypothetical talk.]
That's not gonna make you feel any better though, is it? Changing might feel like crap at first too, 'cause then you gotta force yourself to ignore those people. But there's gotta be better chance of coming out of it happier.
[ Not quite werewolf stuff, but... He won't mention Yuri being a werebear, however. There's probably no secret about being an Arcanwhatsis, though. ]
If there is, I got no idea. I can't even keep a job there, and the fucker in charge of the new ADDF isn't allowing people like me to join, neither, so I can't even... can't even be a proper military bloke. All I do is get too much free time to find trouble...
[Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.]
Well...I've got a thought, but it's not a perfect solution either. [He takes a breath and rests his head on his knees.] What about spending time somewhere else for a while after all this is said and done? You could...I dunno, come see my world. Or someone else's.
[ In his heart of hearts, he would love that, but? Drunk and upset as he is, all he can do is explode at the very thought. ]
What are you, Arven? Stupid?! What would my mom think?! That I ditched her for good?! And what if I flip out and bite people there?! Your world doesn't have anything to handle that! Did you forget what I got is infect... infectious?!
[Arven physically recoils when Eli shouts at him.]
That's- That's not--!
[You know what? If Eli wants to yell, then Arven will yell right back.]
I said it wasn't a perfect solution! I know you've got your mom back home and I know there'd be risks bringing you somewhere else! I'm just trying to help because I care about you, okay?!
[Tears prick at the corners of his visible eye as he starts to shove himself back to his feet. Mabosstiff raises his head, worried.]
But if you'd rather sit there and wallow with your booze and run away from all your problems, then just say it!
[ He's being yelled at, and his immediate reaction is to yell back more. This tends to be the root of most of his problems if we're being honest here. ]
Yeah?! I didn't ask... I didn't ask anyone to care about me! It'll all end the same way!
[ Eli struggles to his feet to follow suit in the whole standing thing, though for him, he staggers over, thumping loudly against the A/C unit, too unsteady at this point to handle so much motion. ]
[Eli falls back down, and all Arven can do is stare at him with a mixture of disbelief and pity for a moment as his anger fizzles out as quickly as it erupted.]
Yeah, well... [He sniffles and rubs at his eyes.] I didn't ask to care about you, but here we are.
[Mabosstiff gets up and pushes his nose into his Trainer's leg.]
'm okay, bud...
[He is not okay and Mabosstiff knows it. Another nudge gets Arven to let out a shaky sigh and sit back down.]
I just... I'm so freakin' scared by the thought of seeing you in the middle of one of those palaces.
[ look at these two crying losers on the roof, wow ]
...
[ Eli has to take a moment to recover from his fall back to the roof, head spinning. Ugh, an entire big bottle of flavored schnapps was a terrible idea. He can feel the threat of vomit at the back of his throat, and it's peach flavored. Horrid. ]
Arven... [ What the fuck does he say to that, huh? His voice has dropped back to a normal, if wobbly, level. ] I... yeah... I don' want to cause one of those... I don' want to hurt any of you...
Arven squeezes his eyes shut as if that's going to stop the tears. But it's like the dam holding back all of his grief and fear since Jordi's death has been let loose.]
Then you gotta stop this. Stop and let us help you.
Well...when I was in the same spot, I had to admit to myself that I needed help in the first place. It was scary, but it was the best choice I ever made 'cause I got that help and a best buddy along the way.
[Wait. After another sniff, he adds:]
A human best buddy.
[Because Mabosstiff has not been dethroned as the best buddy.]
Ha... Don' worry. I'd never think about replacin' the Boss as your best bud.
[ But Arven is, what? Offering to be that friend? Or is he hoping Eli will find someone better suited for a depressed, chronically angry werewolf?
I mean. If... someone wants to give it a go... I guess 's something I'd... try, at least? 'cause I know I'm messed up. I don' got to admit that too much more.
[ He can think of enough besides Arven. Celeste, Izou, even Yi Sing, possibly. Sunrise, although she might not have many answers to his problems, considering. Mafuyu...
Well.
He imagines she won't want to deal with him again. ]
I guess... the first step is to get off the... the damn roof. Without falling over again.
After taking a moment to dry his eyes for hopefully the last time tonight, Arven pushes himself into a crouching position and holds on a hand for Eli to take.]
I can walk! I can... just help me keep upright, just like that... don' even think of carrying me!
[ His pride really isn't going to allow it, nope. He can leave on Arven, though, and being able to do that at least offers him some semblance of balance. ]
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linknet2024-07-25 08:49 pm
no subject
[ Which is traumatically similar to Izou's problems, but at least Izou got to be human until the end! Fffuck, here comes the tears again. ]
This all just proves it... my nature is nothing but a beast... a fuckin' wolf, a hellhound, whatever. Doesn't fuckin' matter which, the message is clear, y'know? It's not like I haven't tried! Everything was fine until we had to stay in the city! Didn't have to deal with normal humans... staring... refusing to be around me... didn't have to sleep indoors all the time or... or follow all their shitty ass rules...
no subject
I can't begin to imagine the stuff you've gone through back home, or say I understand what it feels like to be in your shoes. [With a deadly condition like lycanthropy.] Heck, I was even one of those same people freaking out when you told me. But it was dumb of me.
[He gives another nudge, gentler this time.]
I don't think you're just a beast. I've only ever known you as Eli- the guy who helped Aubrey get out a deep, dark nightmare. The guy who cares about people. The guy who cares about animals, which is even more important if you ask me.
[It's an attempt to lighten the mood, but he also means it. He was annoyed at how Eli cozied up to Mabosstiff at first because they were butting heads, but as they've spent more time together, he's come to appreciate it. Even if they still butt heads.]
And yeah, I know I haven't seen you transformed. But I think at this point it wouldn't change what I think. Because I know you're more than that. Way more.
As for Garm... [He drums his fingers against his knees.] D'you think he came out of you 'cause of how you're talking right now?
no subject
[ Cue additional ear ruffles for Mabosstiff. ]
They don't care what I am. Well. Mostly. Prey animals freak out a bit. [ Don't Let Him Near Rabbits. ] And, I mean... you all ain't the problem. It's not like everyone back home's at fault for being afraid. I'm... tame, I guess... but others out there would rather run around attacking people, biting them, even eating them...
[ That fear isn't unjustified, generally, but Eli isn't feral. Good luck convincing a regular passerby of that, though. ]
I don't even know what the fuck to think about Garm. I mean, why else would he have come from me? He's a dangerous beast, I'm a dangerous beast... That makes sense, doesn't it?
no subject
Can you blame me? I saw more Pokemon than people growing up.
[But this isn't about him, so he quickly moves on from that.]
I mean, I guess it's natural to be afraid, but having a heart and at least trying to understand is important too. It's like with Aubrey, kinda. People being crappy and making a whole ton of assumptions.
That's what I'm saying with Garm, though. It's like he's a...ugh, what do you call it? You expect it so of course that's what you get.
[The term he's looking for is "self-fulfilling prophecy".]
no subject
Yeah. I... was really mad when those things kept talking shit about her. It's happened to me. Plenty of times, too. It's why I thought... hell, may as well try a hug. 's what mom would do.
[ lol as if eli could summon up the term "self-fulfilling prophecy" so they're both at a loss there ]
Nn. So, what? I try and expect something different? How'd that even work? I dunno if Personas can change or... evolve? Into other things? Not that I think I'd manage it... 'm too wild. Thought losing all the lycanthropy shit would... that it'd make me happy. Just makes me weaker, in the end, so 'm not happy as boring old plain human, either. Not happy as a werewolf. Not happy as anything, I guess.
no subject
[It doesn't help here, of course. And that's where the biggest problem lies. He peers over at Eli, thoughtful.]
I dunno if it's something you can change, more like... It's like the whole thing behind those palaces. It's something you gotta come to terms with. Liking yourself, and everything that you are.
no subject
[ He may be Going Through It, whatever it is. ]
I don't get how to like myself when... when so many other people just... don't. 's like, everyone here is fine? But this isn't home. Y'know, that Maika chick, she's sorta like me? And said I got three choices. Run away... stay and keep fighting everything... or change. What if all I can do is run? In the end? Leave... never go back...
no subject
He frowns at this hypothetical talk.]
That's not gonna make you feel any better though, is it? Changing might feel like crap at first too, 'cause then you gotta force yourself to ignore those people. But there's gotta be better chance of coming out of it happier.
no subject
If there is, I got no idea. I can't even keep a job there, and the fucker in charge of the new ADDF isn't allowing people like me to join, neither, so I can't even... can't even be a proper military bloke. All I do is get too much free time to find trouble...
no subject
Well...I've got a thought, but it's not a perfect solution either. [He takes a breath and rests his head on his knees.] What about spending time somewhere else for a while after all this is said and done? You could...I dunno, come see my world. Or someone else's.
no subject
What are you, Arven? Stupid?! What would my mom think?! That I ditched her for good?! And what if I flip out and bite people there?! Your world doesn't have anything to handle that! Did you forget what I got is infect... infectious?!
no subject
That's- That's not--!
[You know what? If Eli wants to yell, then Arven will yell right back.]
I said it wasn't a perfect solution! I know you've got your mom back home and I know there'd be risks bringing you somewhere else! I'm just trying to help because I care about you, okay?!
[Tears prick at the corners of his visible eye as he starts to shove himself back to his feet. Mabosstiff raises his head, worried.]
But if you'd rather sit there and wallow with your booze and run away from all your problems, then just say it!
no subject
Yeah?! I didn't ask... I didn't ask anyone to care about me! It'll all end the same way!
[ Eli struggles to his feet to follow suit in the whole standing thing, though for him, he staggers over, thumping loudly against the A/C unit, too unsteady at this point to handle so much motion. ]
...urgh, shit.
no subject
Yeah, well... [He sniffles and rubs at his eyes.] I didn't ask to care about you, but here we are.
[Mabosstiff gets up and pushes his nose into his Trainer's leg.]
'm okay, bud...
[He is not okay and Mabosstiff knows it. Another nudge gets Arven to let out a shaky sigh and sit back down.]
I just... I'm so freakin' scared by the thought of seeing you in the middle of one of those palaces.
no subject
...
[ Eli has to take a moment to recover from his fall back to the roof, head spinning. Ugh, an entire big bottle of flavored schnapps was a terrible idea. He can feel the threat of vomit at the back of his throat, and it's peach flavored. Horrid. ]
Arven... [ What the fuck does he say to that, huh? His voice has dropped back to a normal, if wobbly, level. ] I... yeah... I don' want to cause one of those... I don' want to hurt any of you...
no subject
Arven squeezes his eyes shut as if that's going to stop the tears. But it's like the dam holding back all of his grief and fear since Jordi's death has been let loose.]
Then you gotta stop this. Stop and let us help you.
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Christ... this is pathetic... I mean, I want to. I jus' don't know how.
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Well...when I was in the same spot, I had to admit to myself that I needed help in the first place. It was scary, but it was the best choice I ever made 'cause I got that help and a best buddy along the way.
[Wait. After another sniff, he adds:]
A human best buddy.
[Because Mabosstiff has not been dethroned as the best buddy.]
So...maybe start there?
no subject
Ha... Don' worry. I'd never think about replacin' the Boss as your best bud.
[ But Arven is, what? Offering to be that friend? Or is he hoping Eli will find someone better suited for a depressed, chronically angry werewolf?
I mean. If... someone wants to give it a go... I guess 's something I'd... try, at least? 'cause I know I'm messed up. I don' got to admit that too much more.
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[Not after everything he and Mabosstiff have been through.
That aside, he's relieved to hear Eli making some progress. It's time to pay forward the help that Juliana extended to him.]
I wouldn't have stayed up here if I wasn't willing, and I doubt I'm the only one.
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[ He can think of enough besides Arven. Celeste, Izou, even Yi Sing, possibly. Sunrise, although she might not have many answers to his problems, considering. Mafuyu...
Well.
He imagines she won't want to deal with him again. ]
I guess... the first step is to get off the... the damn roof. Without falling over again.
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After taking a moment to dry his eyes for hopefully the last time tonight, Arven pushes himself into a crouching position and holds on a hand for Eli to take.]
I'll help you down.
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...thanks.
[ He'll cringe about being so pathetic once he's sober, so, for now, he'll reach out to grip Arven's offered hand for the extra help up to his feet. ]
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Once he gets Eli to his feet, he wraps his arm around Eli's waist for support.]
How's this? Think you can walk with me holding you? Or do you need to be...carried.
[He can do it, it's just...he's got a feeling Eli's pride would argue with the idea.]
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[ His pride really isn't going to allow it, nope. He can leave on Arven, though, and being able to do that at least offers him some semblance of balance. ]
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