McGillis falls back a little before they can reach the bench, just so he's not in Argenti's sight for a moment. That moment, he needs to take a singular deep breath. He'd known this talk was coming after all. ]
So you did catch up on what happened during your period of absence.
[ It would be stranger if it hadn't all reached his ears eventually. ]
... it's linked, in so far as every element of a person's life is linked together. The past does not leave us and it sets us on our trajectory to the future.
But Gaelio - the friend mentioned on the network - was an innocent man. Whatever abuse I endured in my childhood, he was not a perpetrator but rather my respite.
[ He's done a lot of processing about that relationship where he was here. It's maybe the single greatest hurdle he's overcome yet - and now when he speaks Gaelio's name it's with a fond nostalgia only. ]
Knowing this, it would not be a surprise if you considered my actions worthy of judgement.
[ Argenti will definitely allow McGillis his moment wherein he falls back, and the red head waits at the bench, hand landing on one portion of the top of said seat. Then, he will turn towards McGillis himself, looking at him quietly, as well as listening to what he has to say. ]
They are indeed worthy of judgement. You took down your dear, innocent friend in cold blood, even if he was close to you. When he was but only a dear companion who would have likely stood with you to the end.
Even worse, you seemed to revel in that despair. It is most certainly abhorrent.
[ A part of him used to wonder, when he made those deductions far before he saw that dreamscape...would he do the same again? He read the network, those responses - smart enough to know he egged Izou on, eager to shatter those bonds. But now...
Argenti turns his head, casting his gaze away from McGillis temporarily, looking upon the pond with its still waters. Like this, the thoughtful consideration in his sight is hidden, as he considers the weight of those memories of McGillis' actions and words in various places that are memorable in its own right - that moved him so.
He wonders, what McGillis would say instead, if he asked the questions that are on his mind. His words are not just empty insults; he abhors what McGillis did. The difference is...before, he doesn't think he would want to understand, to see what path he would walk on, to even think he could make one anew, to think of him as a dear friend. But, there are questions still on his mind - ones he wonders if now the man would dare to answer. ]
...Can you tell me, do you think anything has changed for you since then? You, who above all, shall always remain true to yourself, can be said to now have others hold a grip on your heart. Would you deny it? And the 'you' from that time...that would not allow it, could you gaze upon him proudly and applaud his actions?
And finally, I have to wonder, what do you think of the person you have become today?
[ There is nothing Argenti could say that would particularly hurt McGillis - all descriptions of his actions are factually accurate, except maybe for the assertion that Gaelio would have remained by his side no matter what. It's almost a relief to hear those sentiments from Argenti now, after weeks of wondering if his blade would come down on him one moment or the next.
Will Argenti still decide to attempt as much? McGillis thinks he'd at least give him a grace period about it, but maybe he should text Izou just in case. When it comes to blade against blade, he'd have perfect protection through the other. (Oh, how the tables have turned.)
Currently though, Argenti is just asking questions, and McGillis... is going to attempt to answer, even as he knows that lying would be the smarter choice. ]
I have spent a lifetime denying my own capacity and need for bonds, only to falter in my very last moments. It's almost humorous that I would be revived into Braphine's realm right after.
[ That is, in fact, why he arrived having a bloodied laughing breakdown. ]
In being here, I have decided to take a different path and test the limits of what my relationships to others can do. I cannot yet tell you if I am satisfied with what I am seeing or with who I am becoming.
But as I am now, I wouldn't make the same decisions I made back then. I have no interest in cutting off my current relationships at the root, unless they decide to cut me off first.
[ That's the nature of the experiment here. ]
Still... You ask if I could be proud of my past self. If I would applaud him. That's not a question I can answer - knowing what I do now, those actions lead directly to my death. From a purely strategic standpoint, I could not be proud of it... and that is not the change of heart you want to hear about.
In the end, I know that I would always have done it. It would have taken nothing less than Gaelio returning from the dead to chase me down in order to make me stop averting my eyes from others.
[ Argenti himself turns back towards McGillis as he answers his questions - looking at him curiously, focused on what he has to say next. It's funny, he had assumed that every word he had to give would be said with nothing less than certainty that would blow past any other anything else.
That is not to say there isn't anything like that in some parts, but... ]
...I suppose I didn't know what I would expect. Perhaps what most people would do was accept that all had changed from your actions and words before now.
That said, you could have always dressed it up, McGillis. It feels like you didn't at all.
[ But, he likes that he didn't. ]
Right now, you've certainly stopped looking away from others on this new Path of yours. But even if you're uncertain if you've grasped a hold of that kind of satisfaction, I hope you reach it.
[ Yet without knowing, without understanding, where had they truly stood? He thinks in coming here, he hardly thought of Idrila at all. Sayaka and Kirumi were different in the worst they had done. He had seen them at their worst, and their best. McGillis too. He didn't know if he could believe they could never understand one another (vague memories from the Palace feel like they nudge at him, just a little.) What does that make him? To have been so stubborn, but so uncertain. ]
Navigating a new Path is difficult. Perhaps it's only natural to feel uncertainty at every step of the way...it's something I do feel at times, after all. No, even now.
...Still, the difference between you and the McGillis I met from the very first gaze feels like night and day; not overtly so, but in the ways that matter. I wonder...if you could have ever imagined such a feat for yourself before.
[ Argenti feels almost something like a faint, solemn smile. The words that McGillis give are not ones with the weight of a sledgehammer, but when he gazes upon him, he thinks he feels like there may be a glimmer in them all the same. ]
[ An easy answer to give. None of what McGillis is doing here and now is like him - even just answering Argenti honestly despite the danger inherent in doing so... He's betraying himself in a thousand ways, and he can only hope that it'll be worth it at the end of. ]
And that's exactly why I am doing it - I have spent the whole of my life keeping people at arm's length and relying on illusions and other people's false assumptions. In the end, that lead to my failure and death.
Having been given a second life, it would be unbecoming to repeat the same strategy unaltered, wouldn't it?
[ There is a small almost self-deprecating smile on his face - it's not quite a joke, but the use of the word strategy is at least tongue-in-cheek here. ]
In many ways, I am your opposite. Lifting my self-imposed isolation is to me as straying from your Path would be to you. Or it that 'would have been', now?
[ This treachery to oneself...it is a betrayal that can only be summed up starting with the name of the individual themselves. But, is it such a terrible thing? In perceived danger, there may be something more surprising uncovered. ]
...Yes, that's quite a way of putting it! It certainly wouldn't benefit you to adopt the strategy that has done nothing for you before.
[ It's strange, that Argenti thinks hearing it all on its own before wouldn't have exactly rung. But, for what he's seen McGillis be, and interact with others, he thinks that benefit has benefited others...in a way that isn't just transactional.
But, surprisingly, when McGillis says that, about the straying of paths, he realizes that what what he's said at times, and his actions mean...he too has done that, and finally he lets out a sheepish laugh. Opposites, yet similarities in this. Strange, but true. ]
I suppose I've already strayed from my Path in the way I am now. It's strange, even before I hadn't thought that until now. Previously, I used to think it would mean failure, but...it isn't that I've given into losing my self. I can ruminate on what this means, that I am still who I am now, but...
I endeavor to still spread and protect the nature of Beauty; yet, it is independent of the expectations I was saddled with. Perhaps in that too I am seeing where it leads me still.
[ Would this remain the case if he were in his original universe, though...? The thought is ominous enough that he isn't willing to try considering finding out by heading back. ]
So, even if we are opposites in so many ways, we somehow seem to have taken actions to deviate noticeably from how we made our approaches to matters in life. But, I don't think it's in a way that would have truly changed us so that we're entirely unrecognizable.
Look at what this city has done to us! It's strange. But, it isn't terrible...except perhaps we may have to be on the lookout for the Goddess being quite smug about it. [ A gentle tease: ] Do you think you can withstand that, my dear friend?
[ 'My dear friend'... The words evoke a sentiment that McGillis refuses to call 'relief'. Nevertheless, it makes him relax.
From almost the very beginning, he'd been getting close to Argenti under the assumption that he was dealing with a ticking time bomb. And even so, there'd been something radiant about such endless chivalry and he hadn't been able to pull away from it. How lucky for him that the bomb now appears defused.
For the first time since they got close, McGillis can simply breathe easily around Argenti. ]
Frankly, just thinking about it vexes me... but I have endured worse.
[ It really does suck though that in the end he just did what Braphine wanted of him! WOW! ]
I cannot afford to offend her yet, so I shall have to bear with it.
[ STUPID GODDESS.
But also... There's a pause and then he has to ask: ]
Am I interpreting correctly that you are splitting from the formal order of your religion now, despite continuing to observe its teachings for yourself?
Argenti himself has wondered whatever matters of uncertainty that had surrounded him regarding McGillis would end up resolved, or perhaps be something that can even be surpassed. Though ironically, he realizes he hasn't truly ever held doubts that they would be. Belief or those moments of individual brightness from McGillis being the cause?
He could not say. But now, hearing him speak on this matter, he's looking appropriately amused. ]
It indeed makes sense not to try to offend her so. But, you have always struck me as someone who could easily manage to not.
[ On the other matter...his expression turns considering, and pensive. But, somehow more at peace, with a little smile. It seems he is happy McGillis has understood him. ]
...Yes, you are most certainly correct. I wish to follow the Path my own way, without association with that order. As of now I can say I am no longer one of the Honorclad of the Knights of Beauty.
I used to find the idea terrifying, but now I feel at ease. At peace.
Though I know deep in my soul it is impossible to be anything but inexorably linked to Idrila, that does not mean I cannot proceed about embodying and protecting Beauty in my own, unique way. Whatever the goddess thinks of it...I imagine I will find out someday or maybe not. But, I am not seeking approval.
As you too carve your new path in the universe, so shall I! [ Argenti gestures dramatically towards who knows where, smiling brightly and radiantly. ] Let us continue to embrace the beautiful nature of our new and radiant ways forward with unrestrained vigor!
It shall be like flowers blossoming newly in spring, the gentle but welcoming morning rain! Is there nothing more delightful than that?
And is there not anything more satisfying, then embracing the beautiful and wonderful what we have gained from it? What we have yet to grasp in our hands but may do so when we are staring in the face of its radiance?!
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no subject
McGillis falls back a little before they can reach the bench, just so he's not in Argenti's sight for a moment. That moment, he needs to take a singular deep breath. He'd known this talk was coming after all. ]
So you did catch up on what happened during your period of absence.
[ It would be stranger if it hadn't all reached his ears eventually. ]
... it's linked, in so far as every element of a person's life is linked together. The past does not leave us and it sets us on our trajectory to the future.
But Gaelio - the friend mentioned on the network - was an innocent man. Whatever abuse I endured in my childhood, he was not a perpetrator but rather my respite.
[ He's done a lot of processing about that relationship where he was here. It's maybe the single greatest hurdle he's overcome yet - and now when he speaks Gaelio's name it's with a fond nostalgia only. ]
Knowing this, it would not be a surprise if you considered my actions worthy of judgement.
no subject
They are indeed worthy of judgement. You took down your dear, innocent friend in cold blood, even if he was close to you. When he was but only a dear companion who would have likely stood with you to the end.
Even worse, you seemed to revel in that despair. It is most certainly abhorrent.
[ A part of him used to wonder, when he made those deductions far before he saw that dreamscape...would he do the same again? He read the network, those responses - smart enough to know he egged Izou on, eager to shatter those bonds. But now...
Argenti turns his head, casting his gaze away from McGillis temporarily, looking upon the pond with its still waters. Like this, the thoughtful consideration in his sight is hidden, as he considers the weight of those memories of McGillis' actions and words in various places that are memorable in its own right - that moved him so.
He wonders, what McGillis would say instead, if he asked the questions that are on his mind. His words are not just empty insults; he abhors what McGillis did. The difference is...before, he doesn't think he would want to understand, to see what path he would walk on, to even think he could make one anew, to think of him as a dear friend. But, there are questions still on his mind - ones he wonders if now the man would dare to answer. ]
...Can you tell me, do you think anything has changed for you since then? You, who above all, shall always remain true to yourself, can be said to now have others hold a grip on your heart. Would you deny it? And the 'you' from that time...that would not allow it, could you gaze upon him proudly and applaud his actions?
And finally, I have to wonder, what do you think of the person you have become today?
no subject
Will Argenti still decide to attempt as much? McGillis thinks he'd at least give him a grace period about it, but maybe he should text Izou just in case. When it comes to blade against blade, he'd have perfect protection through the other. (Oh, how the tables have turned.)
Currently though, Argenti is just asking questions, and McGillis... is going to attempt to answer, even as he knows that lying would be the smarter choice. ]
I have spent a lifetime denying my own capacity and need for bonds, only to falter in my very last moments. It's almost humorous that I would be revived into Braphine's realm right after.
[ That is, in fact, why he arrived having a bloodied laughing breakdown. ]
In being here, I have decided to take a different path and test the limits of what my relationships to others can do. I cannot yet tell you if I am satisfied with what I am seeing or with who I am becoming.
But as I am now, I wouldn't make the same decisions I made back then. I have no interest in cutting off my current relationships at the root, unless they decide to cut me off first.
[ That's the nature of the experiment here. ]
Still... You ask if I could be proud of my past self. If I would applaud him. That's not a question I can answer - knowing what I do now, those actions lead directly to my death. From a purely strategic standpoint, I could not be proud of it... and that is not the change of heart you want to hear about.
In the end, I know that I would always have done it. It would have taken nothing less than Gaelio returning from the dead to chase me down in order to make me stop averting my eyes from others.
no subject
That is not to say there isn't anything like that in some parts, but... ]
...I suppose I didn't know what I would expect. Perhaps what most people would do was accept that all had changed from your actions and words before now.
That said, you could have always dressed it up, McGillis. It feels like you didn't at all.
[ But, he likes that he didn't. ]
Right now, you've certainly stopped looking away from others on this new Path of yours. But even if you're uncertain if you've grasped a hold of that kind of satisfaction, I hope you reach it.
[ Yet without knowing, without understanding, where had they truly stood? He thinks in coming here, he hardly thought of Idrila at all. Sayaka and Kirumi were different in the worst they had done. He had seen them at their worst, and their best. McGillis too. He didn't know if he could believe they could never understand one another (vague memories from the Palace feel like they nudge at him, just a little.) What does that make him? To have been so stubborn, but so uncertain. ]
Navigating a new Path is difficult. Perhaps it's only natural to feel uncertainty at every step of the way...it's something I do feel at times, after all. No, even now.
...Still, the difference between you and the McGillis I met from the very first gaze feels like night and day; not overtly so, but in the ways that matter. I wonder...if you could have ever imagined such a feat for yourself before.
[ Argenti feels almost something like a faint, solemn smile. The words that McGillis give are not ones with the weight of a sledgehammer, but when he gazes upon him, he thinks he feels like there may be a glimmer in them all the same. ]
no subject
[ An easy answer to give. None of what McGillis is doing here and now is like him - even just answering Argenti honestly despite the danger inherent in doing so... He's betraying himself in a thousand ways, and he can only hope that it'll be worth it at the end of. ]
And that's exactly why I am doing it - I have spent the whole of my life keeping people at arm's length and relying on illusions and other people's false assumptions. In the end, that lead to my failure and death.
Having been given a second life, it would be unbecoming to repeat the same strategy unaltered, wouldn't it?
[ There is a small almost self-deprecating smile on his face - it's not quite a joke, but the use of the word strategy is at least tongue-in-cheek here. ]
In many ways, I am your opposite. Lifting my self-imposed isolation is to me as straying from your Path would be to you. Or it that 'would have been', now?
no subject
...Yes, that's quite a way of putting it! It certainly wouldn't benefit you to adopt the strategy that has done nothing for you before.
[ It's strange, that Argenti thinks hearing it all on its own before wouldn't have exactly rung. But, for what he's seen McGillis be, and interact with others, he thinks that benefit has benefited others...in a way that isn't just transactional.
But, surprisingly, when McGillis says that, about the straying of paths, he realizes that what what he's said at times, and his actions mean...he too has done that, and finally he lets out a sheepish laugh. Opposites, yet similarities in this. Strange, but true. ]
I suppose I've already strayed from my Path in the way I am now. It's strange, even before I hadn't thought that until now. Previously, I used to think it would mean failure, but...it isn't that I've given into losing my self. I can ruminate on what this means, that I am still who I am now, but...
I endeavor to still spread and protect the nature of Beauty; yet, it is independent of the expectations I was saddled with. Perhaps in that too I am seeing where it leads me still.
[ Would this remain the case if he were in his original universe, though...? The thought is ominous enough that he isn't willing to try considering finding out by heading back. ]
So, even if we are opposites in so many ways, we somehow seem to have taken actions to deviate noticeably from how we made our approaches to matters in life. But, I don't think it's in a way that would have truly changed us so that we're entirely unrecognizable.
Look at what this city has done to us! It's strange. But, it isn't terrible...except perhaps we may have to be on the lookout for the Goddess being quite smug about it. [ A gentle tease: ] Do you think you can withstand that, my dear friend?
no subject
From almost the very beginning, he'd been getting close to Argenti under the assumption that he was dealing with a ticking time bomb. And even so, there'd been something radiant about such endless chivalry and he hadn't been able to pull away from it. How lucky for him that the bomb now appears defused.
For the first time since they got close, McGillis can simply breathe easily around Argenti. ]
Frankly, just thinking about it vexes me... but I have endured worse.
[ It really does suck though that in the end he just did what Braphine wanted of him! WOW! ]
I cannot afford to offend her yet, so I shall have to bear with it.
[ STUPID GODDESS.
But also... There's a pause and then he has to ask: ]
Am I interpreting correctly that you are splitting from the formal order of your religion now, despite continuing to observe its teachings for yourself?
no subject
Argenti himself has wondered whatever matters of uncertainty that had surrounded him regarding McGillis would end up resolved, or perhaps be something that can even be surpassed. Though ironically, he realizes he hasn't truly ever held doubts that they would be. Belief or those moments of individual brightness from McGillis being the cause?
He could not say. But now, hearing him speak on this matter, he's looking appropriately amused. ]
It indeed makes sense not to try to offend her so. But, you have always struck me as someone who could easily manage to not.
[ On the other matter...his expression turns considering, and pensive. But, somehow more at peace, with a little smile. It seems he is happy McGillis has understood him. ]
...Yes, you are most certainly correct. I wish to follow the Path my own way, without association with that order. As of now I can say I am no longer one of the Honorclad of the Knights of Beauty.
I used to find the idea terrifying, but now I feel at ease. At peace.
Though I know deep in my soul it is impossible to be anything but inexorably linked to Idrila, that does not mean I cannot proceed about embodying and protecting Beauty in my own, unique way. Whatever the goddess thinks of it...I imagine I will find out someday or maybe not. But, I am not seeking approval.
As you too carve your new path in the universe, so shall I! [ Argenti gestures dramatically towards who knows where, smiling brightly and radiantly. ] Let us continue to embrace the beautiful nature of our new and radiant ways forward with unrestrained vigor!
It shall be like flowers blossoming newly in spring, the gentle but welcoming morning rain! Is there nothing more delightful than that?
And is there not anything more satisfying, then embracing the beautiful and wonderful what we have gained from it? What we have yet to grasp in our hands but may do so when we are staring in the face of its radiance?!