[ Which is to say, he's as fine as can be now. Glad to be laying down again though, because every time he gets up he finds himself dizzy with blood loss still. ]
I'm sorry you had to see all that earlier.
[ He means that and it comes out comparatively easily. She's just a kid, she doesn't need all this. ]
( he's said he was in the military, so she assumes it was war. she can't and doesn't want to fathom the choices behind war. and that, in turn, leads to why he's like this. )
Don't misunderstand- I'm not going to defend him, and I'm rather upset with him too. But I want to know.
[ It is starting to feel a little comical that everyone keeps asking him this as if Izou was some monster that could not have helped resorting to murder in response to simple words. If he were Izou, he might have been offended. ]
It was likely that he would have found out eventually.
[ Soujuurou and Aubrey were already aware thanks to that time the God of Conflict messed with them all. They could have told anybody. ]
I figured it was better to give him a chance to discover it now than to have it happen further along the way.
[ A mercy to Izou, but only on the surface. A mercy to himself, to smash it all to bits before he could get even the slightest bit attached. ]
[ The mug question gets a nod - if only because he reaches for it with his left. That might not be his dominant hand, but it's serviceable for everything that doesn't require great finesse. ]
Of course not. I thought it would take him longer.
[ And he knows Mafuyu will understand - he hopes she understands nothing else of this at all, but she will understand this one thing. ]
I used to be incapable of smiling. This personable appearance came about as part of a 'mask' as someone close to me so aptly put it.
All my relationships were built on half-lies. I had no desire to have Izou come kill me, but I had even less desire to start doing the same thing all over again.
Ah, I meant more about for this situation specifically. Not with how sure you sounded on the post.
... But, I understand that. I also... ... my friends have tried for months to get me to smile. I can fake one, of course, but... we're the same, there.
[ McGillis is much older and for him, the distinction between fake and real smile has long blurred. He does it without thinking now and probing at whether or not it is genuine would get him hours of complex strands to untangle.
But he remembers being about her age, with every smile a conscious effort. ]
And it ties back into provoking him. I could have lied on the post, but I knew since his palace that he'd detest me if he knew the truth. Every interaction has been, and would have continued to be, a lie in the face of that knowledge.
[ He feels it less strongly with the others where he'd had less reason to think they'd feel so viscerally about it... (Not that anyone would have ever approved.) ]
( even if she personally hates the direct outcome, the truth- something built on who he really is, not how he acts for the public... it must be tantalizing. its the same reason she's not put on her own mask in this place, save for that one time within the palace. )
I'm sorry that the truth of myself is a distressing one.
[ Mafuyu is the only one who gets this apology, because he perceives her a child. In truth, she's older than some of the people he has treated as peers in his life - but her seemingly sheltered lifestyle and gentle disposition, as well as the fact that she's a girl, all make her feel closer to 11 year old Almiria than to the child soldiers of Tekkadan. ]
[ He can say that one bluntly at least. It hasn't been until Sunset City that he began to rethink his default way of existence. (He's not been enjoying the self-reflection.) ]
You'll find your way out of it, I'm certain. You do have quiet a headstart on me.
( mafuyu is quiet for a moment, before she gives an equally blunt response: )
Maybe you should. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, building everything on lies... the terminology you've used doesn't seem like you're actually okay.
[ McGillis doesn't think there's been a day in his life when he would have described himself as happy. 'Okay' meanwhile is a descriptor he'd have applied to a good portion of his adult existence.... until now. Unfortunately, Mafuyu is right. He's failing to clear even the most basic bar of being alright, these days. ]
... well, being nearly murdered today was one way for me to make a start?
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[ Which is to say, he's as fine as can be now. Glad to be laying down again though, because every time he gets up he finds himself dizzy with blood loss still. ]
I'm sorry you had to see all that earlier.
[ He means that and it comes out comparatively easily. She's just a kid, she doesn't need all this. ]
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( like. yes, witnessing even a shred of it sucked, but she's not the one who nearly lost an arm? please be nice to yourself. )
... Can... I ask why?
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Which part? I've been asked the reasons for a great many things today.
[ Why kill your friend? Why provoke Izou? Why are you like this?
He's going to give at least a semblance of an answer, but he's not about to spill his thoughts on something more than explicitly requested. ]
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( he's said he was in the military, so she assumes it was war. she can't and doesn't want to fathom the choices behind war. and that, in turn, leads to why he's like this. )
Don't misunderstand- I'm not going to defend him, and I'm rather upset with him too. But I want to know.
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It was likely that he would have found out eventually.
[ Soujuurou and Aubrey were already aware thanks to that time the God of Conflict messed with them all. They could have told anybody. ]
I figured it was better to give him a chance to discover it now than to have it happen further along the way.
[ A mercy to Izou, but only on the surface. A mercy to himself, to smash it all to bits before he could get even the slightest bit attached. ]
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Can you hold a mug right now? I found a relatively light one...
But, did it turn out how you wanted?
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Of course not. I thought it would take him longer.
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Then, you did want him to come after you?
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[ This was going to suck no matter which way he spins it. ]
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[ He only sees one path and it's not one he felt like taking. ]
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( she's quiet for a moment. )
You don't have to answer any of my questions. I know I'm prying. But thank you for indulging me so far.
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Oh no, lying suits me very well.
[ And he knows Mafuyu will understand - he hopes she understands nothing else of this at all, but she will understand this one thing. ]
I used to be incapable of smiling. This personable appearance came about as part of a 'mask' as someone close to me so aptly put it.
All my relationships were built on half-lies. I had no desire to have Izou come kill me, but I had even less desire to start doing the same thing all over again.
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... But, I understand that. I also... ... my friends have tried for months to get me to smile. I can fake one, of course, but... we're the same, there.
( she's tired of pretending. )
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[ McGillis is much older and for him, the distinction between fake and real smile has long blurred. He does it without thinking now and probing at whether or not it is genuine would get him hours of complex strands to untangle.
But he remembers being about her age, with every smile a conscious effort. ]
And it ties back into provoking him. I could have lied on the post, but I knew since his palace that he'd detest me if he knew the truth. Every interaction has been, and would have continued to be, a lie in the face of that knowledge.
[ He feels it less strongly with the others where he'd had less reason to think they'd feel so viscerally about it... (Not that anyone would have ever approved.) ]
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( even if she personally hates the direct outcome, the truth- something built on who he really is, not how he acts for the public... it must be tantalizing. its the same reason she's not put on her own mask in this place, save for that one time within the palace. )
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[ Mafuyu is the only one who gets this apology, because he perceives her a child. In truth, she's older than some of the people he has treated as peers in his life - but her seemingly sheltered lifestyle and gentle disposition, as well as the fact that she's a girl, all make her feel closer to 11 year old Almiria than to the child soldiers of Tekkadan. ]
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I like our talks, even if they're rare. I liked being with everyone at the diner, that night. I hope you did, too.
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I did. I wouldn't have been so impulsive today if I hadn't.
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Because you don't want more relationships built on lies? Or something else...?
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[ Which is to say, he's not sure he agrees. But he's also not sure he can refute it. ]
Maybe I'm just tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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I'm sorry. It seems to me like you haven't been able to find a way out of that sort of way of living.
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[ He can say that one bluntly at least. It hasn't been until Sunset City that he began to rethink his default way of existence. (He's not been enjoying the self-reflection.) ]
You'll find your way out of it, I'm certain. You do have quiet a headstart on me.
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Maybe you should. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, building everything on lies... the terminology you've used doesn't seem like you're actually okay.
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... well, being nearly murdered today was one way for me to make a start?
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