Ah, I meant more about for this situation specifically. Not with how sure you sounded on the post.
... But, I understand that. I also... ... my friends have tried for months to get me to smile. I can fake one, of course, but... we're the same, there.
[ McGillis is much older and for him, the distinction between fake and real smile has long blurred. He does it without thinking now and probing at whether or not it is genuine would get him hours of complex strands to untangle.
But he remembers being about her age, with every smile a conscious effort. ]
And it ties back into provoking him. I could have lied on the post, but I knew since his palace that he'd detest me if he knew the truth. Every interaction has been, and would have continued to be, a lie in the face of that knowledge.
[ He feels it less strongly with the others where he'd had less reason to think they'd feel so viscerally about it... (Not that anyone would have ever approved.) ]
( even if she personally hates the direct outcome, the truth- something built on who he really is, not how he acts for the public... it must be tantalizing. its the same reason she's not put on her own mask in this place, save for that one time within the palace. )
I'm sorry that the truth of myself is a distressing one.
[ Mafuyu is the only one who gets this apology, because he perceives her a child. In truth, she's older than some of the people he has treated as peers in his life - but her seemingly sheltered lifestyle and gentle disposition, as well as the fact that she's a girl, all make her feel closer to 11 year old Almiria than to the child soldiers of Tekkadan. ]
[ He can say that one bluntly at least. It hasn't been until Sunset City that he began to rethink his default way of existence. (He's not been enjoying the self-reflection.) ]
You'll find your way out of it, I'm certain. You do have quiet a headstart on me.
( mafuyu is quiet for a moment, before she gives an equally blunt response: )
Maybe you should. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, building everything on lies... the terminology you've used doesn't seem like you're actually okay.
[ McGillis doesn't think there's been a day in his life when he would have described himself as happy. 'Okay' meanwhile is a descriptor he'd have applied to a good portion of his adult existence.... until now. Unfortunately, Mafuyu is right. He's failing to clear even the most basic bar of being alright, these days. ]
... well, being nearly murdered today was one way for me to make a start?
... Please stop having similarly distressing things in common with me. But I hope that thats the push you needed, if only because you if you need more of a push than that, I might have to get involved more and thats going to be awkward for everyone, I think.
[ That does sound incredibly awkward, indeed. There is a lot about himself that McGillis does not want to share with anybody, and least of all Mafuyu. Really untangling all that he is would require digging deep into a backstory that is too heavy for her and gives others too much power over him to know.
So all he can really do here is sigh softly. ]
I have no intention of going under, so I'll work it out. There's no need for you to worry about it.
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... But, I understand that. I also... ... my friends have tried for months to get me to smile. I can fake one, of course, but... we're the same, there.
( she's tired of pretending. )
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[ McGillis is much older and for him, the distinction between fake and real smile has long blurred. He does it without thinking now and probing at whether or not it is genuine would get him hours of complex strands to untangle.
But he remembers being about her age, with every smile a conscious effort. ]
And it ties back into provoking him. I could have lied on the post, but I knew since his palace that he'd detest me if he knew the truth. Every interaction has been, and would have continued to be, a lie in the face of that knowledge.
[ He feels it less strongly with the others where he'd had less reason to think they'd feel so viscerally about it... (Not that anyone would have ever approved.) ]
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( even if she personally hates the direct outcome, the truth- something built on who he really is, not how he acts for the public... it must be tantalizing. its the same reason she's not put on her own mask in this place, save for that one time within the palace. )
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[ Mafuyu is the only one who gets this apology, because he perceives her a child. In truth, she's older than some of the people he has treated as peers in his life - but her seemingly sheltered lifestyle and gentle disposition, as well as the fact that she's a girl, all make her feel closer to 11 year old Almiria than to the child soldiers of Tekkadan. ]
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I like our talks, even if they're rare. I liked being with everyone at the diner, that night. I hope you did, too.
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I did. I wouldn't have been so impulsive today if I hadn't.
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Because you don't want more relationships built on lies? Or something else...?
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[ Which is to say, he's not sure he agrees. But he's also not sure he can refute it. ]
Maybe I'm just tired of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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I'm sorry. It seems to me like you haven't been able to find a way out of that sort of way of living.
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[ He can say that one bluntly at least. It hasn't been until Sunset City that he began to rethink his default way of existence. (He's not been enjoying the self-reflection.) ]
You'll find your way out of it, I'm certain. You do have quiet a headstart on me.
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Maybe you should. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, building everything on lies... the terminology you've used doesn't seem like you're actually okay.
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... well, being nearly murdered today was one way for me to make a start?
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So all he can really do here is sigh softly. ]
I have no intention of going under, so I'll work it out. There's no need for you to worry about it.
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I'll leave you to rest, now.
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[ After the added emotional exhaustion of being chewed out by a teenager, maybe he's finally tired enough to sleep. It'll do him some good. ]
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( she leaves the electric kettle behind, so he can make himself more if he so desires, and quietly slips out of his room.
for now, he gets to sleep. )