Do you want to meet me by the docks, or should I come back and see you?
[She. Physically cannot get herself to address that next part because ahahaha. Oh her mind is a mess when she tries to put two and two together, this is. The easier part.]
[Sayaka will await him; she's sitting at a bench overlooking the water, and she's...
...Well, she looks like she's been thinking for a while and her gaze is a little unfocused when she looks to him, but she's trying her best to look composed.]
...Shizuki-kun, that's really sweet of you. I really do appreciate you going out of your way for me like this. Did you...want to sit down for a bit?
[It's fine. It's very fine.]
I do want to apologize for worrying you, if I did. I've...had a lot on my mind, since we got out of that palace.
[ he shakes his head, sitting next to her and setting the bag down between them. he’ll hand her the tea as well. ]
I figured it would be easier to talk in person— texting’s convenient, but there’s a lot of nuance that I miss in the text. [ a pause. ] But if you want me to give you space, I can also do that. You went through a lot.
[There's a part of her that wants to push him away. She can't be seen like this. But isn't that what she's been trying to avoid this entire time? Going back to the mindset that destroyed her, that severed all of her bonds and took everything from her?
(Did she even have anything, at the end of it all--)]
...Please stay. If I get trapped in my own head any longer, I'm going to go insane, I think. I...Kirumi-san's palace, it's given me a lot to think about. With my own circumstances. Because with her, I--I know what I want to do. I want to help her. To find herself or do whatever she needs to do, that's the easy part.
It'd...it'd have been easier if we weren't connected by that stupid bear. But knowing what we do now...knowing what we do about how everything was fabricated, it's...it's not doing my head any good. It's confusing, I think.
…You’re afraid that your entire life was made up by that bear, just like Tojo’s. Right?
[ soujuurou, looking at how increasingly unsettled sayaka is, makes an executive decision.
he moves the things he bought to his other side, clearing the space between himself and sayaka so that he can move a little closer to her.
there’s an anger growing within himself as he thinks further about sayaka’s plight. of course, the reveal that kirumi tojo never existed would be unsettling for anyone else in that world. it means to consider the possibility of your own life being nothing but falsehoods. ]
I can’t assure you on anything about your life before you came here. But the Sayaka Maizono of these past few months feels pretty real to me.
...Yes. [Sayaka doesn't look at Soujuurou, though her eyes flick over when he moves; she doesn't mind it, at the very least.] I've spent so long trying to...accept myself and move past the things I've done in both the past and at that school. It's how I've...connected with people, in a way? It's defined me for so long, and I was prepared to...
Maybe not embrace it, but accept it as a part of myself as I moved forward. All of this just feels like the rug's gotten ripped out from under me.
[She'll look at Soujuurou properly after that, though. And despite it all, a small smile appears on her face. She doesn't know if she should move in closer; physical affection is still hard and something she only does with very few, but...]
...It means a lot to hear that from you, you know. I've...this really is the realest I've felt in so long, with all of you. None of you have ever asked me to be anything other than myself, and finding her among all the masks I've built up...
I really wouldn't have been able to do it without you, you know?
[ soujuurou laughs softly, self-derisive. he still remembers that first night from the mountains, where the reality was so different from what he had lived that it made him tremble. he remembers the conversation with shalem, where the truth was placed in plain sight for him to see. if he were caught in the same situation as sayaka or tojo, he's not sure what would have become of him. he might have just broken under the pressure.
or maybe, he's already too broken to break any further. ]
But I think... sometimes it's better to let things go. Sayaka Maizono is dead in that world, isn't she? It's not an easy reality to accept, but maybe... this is a chance to start things over. You don't have to be an idol. You don't have to be some bear's puppet.
[ something in soujuurou's heart hurts, the nostalgia gentle but sharp like a knife. he wonders, if he's also reassuring himself. ]
Maybe try out something new. And if you don't like that, you can try something else. I'm sure you'll find a wonderful new self that no weird bear could have imagined.
Sayaka's gaze flicks over to Soujuurou at that slightly derisive laugh, pausing slightly at it. She unfortunately has a slightly piercing gaze whenever she does this, admittedly, not quite the 'mind reader' that she's claimed to be with others sometimes, but it's...
...She wonders, inwardly, if this is what Soujuurou has been fighting against too. He hasn't had an easy life after all, has he? A debt repaid, a fight against a witch and a wolf...fighting so fiercely against them, and she wonders if she could ever really understand the pain this boy has been through.
But she wants to try.]
...I think I've found it to an extent, at least. I...know I want to fight--to keep people safe, to be someone that all of you can rely on. But this time, without sacrificing everything that I am or burning myself at both ends. I don't really know how to live any other way, but I do want to find it. And seize it with my own two hands.
[...]
It just...I don't know. I don't like the idea of lying to you all, after the kindness you've shown me, and that's what this felt like, I think. That's why it hurt, because it felt like another lie, one that I didn't even know about. And I don't want to deceive you all again.
[...Still, she circles back to Soujuurou, and...it's a bit of a well telegraphed gesture because she's not sure how he'll react, but she reaches a hand out and she'll place it on his shoulder if allowed.]
...Is this something you've struggled with as well, Soujuurou-kun?
[If he's been calling her by her first name, then she'll meet that closeness in kind.]
[ the hand on his shoulder is a surprise, and so is the change in what sayaka calls him. he looks at her with wide eyes, as if trying to understand what has changed...but he doesn't pull away either.
he thinks about her question, his gaze distant. ]
Sort of, but not exactly. [ ... ] Since I was born, I was most likely raised with a purpose. And then one day, I wasn't allowed to be that person anymore. I was told that, because I couldn't be that person anymore, I had to learn to be someone else in order to survive in a totally new world. And then I had to survive in another new environment, and then another.
[ to go from the mountains, to the city, to the reality of magecraft, to sunrise city, it would be a lot for anyone. but he's done it without much trouble at all. he breathes out, even and measured. ]
According to a priest I talked to, I'm just too flexible. And I guess it makes sense. In the mountains, you had to be ready to adapt to anything, or else you would die.
Sayaka isn't sure she should have done that. Any of it, really, and her own eyes briefly go wide and while she can't take back the name shift--it's fine, she's been starting to call a lot of people by their first names now, it's. Fine? It's fine. It's fine. All of it's fine.
The way her chest feels tight is also fine, it's just. She overstepped her bounds, clearly. She withdraws her hand, at least, feeling like it's almost burning from impropriety as she listens to Soujuurou and it's...
...Honestly, it makes perfect sense when he lays it out like that. The "most likely" part gets Sayaka to worry a bit, but the fact that he's just been severed off and thrown into a new environment so many times...]
...That's insulting to tell you. I mean--flexibility isn't a bad thing, but the idea that you could be thrown out just for that? That's completely awful. And you've had that done to you multiple times?
[Something about it angers Sayaka. He doesn't deserve that, he doesn't--]
You've...basically just been forced to survive from the word "go", from the sound of it. And I take it that it hasn't been easy for you, to keep trying to adapt to these new lives.
Just once. The other times... well, I got myself into some pretty dangerous situations. It's no one's fault but mine. The city's quite tough, you know?
[ soujuurou tries not to feel too disappointed about sayaka's hand leaving his shoulder, but well, he can't help it. but maybe it was just a one time thing, and that's fine too. ]
But he was right. I had to leave the mountains because...well, you saw, didn't you?
[ because he had questioned the way of life that they had led until then. because he couldn't adapt, because he couldn't fulfill the demands made of him...
he sighs. ]
My life in the mountains... I can't really complain about it, even now. And in the city... I suppose it could have been much worse. I'm still alive, and I met amazing people that have done nothing but help me out. In that sense, I'm probably blessed.
[ but a part of him still feels horribly, horribly homesick. ]
Soujuurou-kun...of course I did. I couldn't forget it if I tried, even if it's still something I've had a hard time grasping...
[It just was always something hard to wrap her head around. No reason to keep doing it, no reason to stop had stuck in her mind for weeks, and truthfully, the image of that witch and the wolf gave her nightmares for quite a few nights for her own reasons. She tries to think again, and all it amounts to is...
Is that Soujuurou questioned things, and he was discarded. He's kept being discarded, and he's had to constantly adapt. Is this why he's always been so unaffected by things?]
...You had a completely understandable question about things, and you were discarded. That isn't--fair, to you.
[She tries not to sound petulant when she says it--and really, it doesn't sound it at all. It sounds...sad. A little angry, even. Dangerous situations happening for him over and over again, whether he got into them or not, and it's...]
...Did the palace make you start thinking about that all again? Do you... [Sayaka pauses, briefly, wondering what to say. Why does he look so...disappointed? It's something she doesn't understand, but she does end up putting her hand back on his shoulder again this time, and she'll keep it there.] ...Is there something you miss there?
[ soujuurou says it softly, like a sinner in a confessional, with an abruptness and bitterness that surprises even himself. bitter at himself not just for what he lost, but because of the new life that he cannot fully appreciate. ]
The air, the night sky, the seasons, how simple everything was. Even though things were tough and we would go days without food or had to fight wild animals... that's still all I knew until recently. My chest still hurts sometimes, when I look at the sky. [ he points up at the sky, his expression glum-- angry, even. ] You can barely see any stars from here.
[ but he looks down, back at sayaka and sighs. ]
But at the end of the day, it was a fair decision. Not to me, maybe, but in general. To live up there, you need to live a certain kind of way. If you start doubting it, then you could hurt yourself and others. And as I am now, I definitely can't return, no matter how much I want to. No one wants a bird that can't sing, after all.
[...It's strange to hear that, but in a way, she understands. It's like being in a cage of your own creation; comforting, even when it hurts. The familiarity of it, and the few comforts one could draw from it. It's a painful feeling Sayaka knows too well, and it's...]
...It sounds like there were good things in it, even if it was a hard experience. [...] I wonder what those stars were like. I can only imagine how beautiful they must have been; I haven't seen many places that haven't been polluted by the light, unfortunately; I wish I could. I'd love to find you a place where you could see them again.
[She'll squeeze his shoulder gently in support.]
...I'm sorry, Soujuurou-kun. Nobody should be made to feel unwanted like that. You've never done anything wrong, and there's nothing wrong with a bird that can't sing.
There was some good, but probably, for most people, it's mostly bad. Even after what I've come to realize about it, however, it was still my home. I don't want that to be taken from me, even if it's painful.
[ it would be so much easier to rid himself of those memories, to simply accept that everything there was fabricated for the sake of his growth as a future assassin. but if he ripped that out of him then what would he have left of his life before the mountains? who would he be, but a true blank slate?
the thought of that makes him shudder slightly. he reaches, placing his hand on top of sayaka's.
she says that he's never done anything wrong, but soujuurou knows that she's wrong. though her words don't come from a malicious place, he knows his own sin and that is something that he has slowly learned to accept since his descent. ]
I hope so, too. Even if it's not where I want to be the most, I hope it's a place I learn to like just as much.
Sayaka doesn't expect Soujuurou to return that gesture, and she finds herself pausing a bit. Her face feels slightly warm, and there's a brief moment where she looks to him and pauses. It's strange how in this moment she feels her chest go so tight. So horribly, wretchedly tight. She doesn't understand him, but in this moment, she wishes she could so badly.
She wishes she could understand the injured, songless bird that feels like he's just landed on her hand. Why does she see him like that? That isn't fair. This isn't something she gets.
...
But she'll be damned if she won't try.]
...Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
[It comes out a little unsteadily, but no less resolved as she feels her heart hammer in her chest. What's wrong with her?]
I'm...not going to claim to understand everything, though I appreciate that you've trusted me with this. I don't even know if I could find you a similar home like that, a place where you can finally spread your wings and not have to adapt but...I want to help, if I can. And you deserve to be able to find a place where you can truly rest.
A place you can call home and look at those beautiful stars again.
[ soujuurou’s breath is caught in his chest. brown eyes are wide and bright with emotion, moved by the force of her statement. does she even know the weight that her words have right now? she doesn’t, does she?
soujuurou takes her hand in his, bringing it down gently between them. he doesn’t let go, however. ]
Thank you, Sayaka. But… you don’t have to do any of that. It’s a little more complicated than that and I… well…
[ his cheeks are definitely warm as well. it’s hard to look directly at sayaka, but even harder to look away. ]
I’d never be able to repay the gesture. Even now… I mean… we only have a month left.
[There's a pause, when he says that. When he takes her hand off, and holds it between them like that, it makes her heartbeat hammer even faster than ever. Hammering, despite the fact that his words send an icy jolt of reality through her.
He has people he cares for, at home. He can't just abandon them, and that's the reason why Sayaka has always liked him. Soujuurou has always been a stalwart ally, someone they could rely on, and his dedication is something Sayaka has always admired. He gets stuff done. He helps whenever he can.
And it breaks her heart, briefly--for reasons she's finally starting to wonder about, that she can't help him the way she's been helped by others. By abandoning the previous home to find something new, Sayaka's found her ultimate freedom, and she would have wanted nothing more than to show that to Soujuurou. To help him find whatever it is he wanted in life, and...
Maybe, to even be a part of that happiness.
...Ha. It really was that simple this entire time, wasn't it?]
...You don't need to repay a thing. If anything, I want to do this in return for all of the kindness you've shown me.
[It comes out surprisingly steady when she says it, and when she does, it doesn't take long for her other hand to join in. Gently holding his hand and moving to hold it in both of hers.
She hasn't glanced away from Soujuurou's face this entire time, and despite the pain in her heart...this is what makes him happy. This is what will bring him happiness, maybe one day. And at the end of it all, that's what she wants for him. She wants to see him smile, she wants to see him happy, she wants to repay the favors he's done for her in giving her comfort in times she's needed it, in believing in her, in being there for her.]
You deserve to be happy. And even if we only have a month left, I'd...like nothing more, than to help you find some kind of happiness you could take with you, where ever you go. I mean it.
...You've done enough. You've done so much. You've...helped me so many times over.
[...]
But if that's something you don't want, I...I don't mind that, either.
I just want to see you smile, I think...Soujuurou-kun.
[ soujuurou smiles softly, his cheeks flushed and warm as he realizes what’s happening. what a sad thing that this has an end date already pre-determined, a forecasted heartbreak in the horizon, but… ]
I like seeing you smile too, Sayaka. [ he places his other hand on top of hers, gentle and delicately, as if this were an illusion that would break if he went too quickly.
his voice is warm, full of an emotion that he thinks he can finally put a name to. he moves closer to sayaka, close enough for their shoulders to almost touch. ]
Let me do the same for you. If you want to make me happy, then I’ll work hard so that you can take something with you, wherever you go.
[Sayaka remembers singing about these feelings so much, back when she first became an idol. It was natural to sing about the feelings of love that everyone but her got to feel, to sing for the masses that wanted her to be the perfect illusion for them. Experiencing it for herself, though...
It hurts, that it's only for a little while. But it tightens Sayaka's resolve; if they only have a month with each other, then she wants to make this the happiness month for the both of them. That way when they part, they can take a beautiful memory with them, no matter what happens. Hearing that he wants to make her happy too, it makes her heart soar, and it really does feel like she's flying the sky with him right now before they part.]
...You're so kind to me. You always have been, and it's something I've always liked about you. Knowing that we're both going to try and make this the happiest month before we leave...
It fills me with joy. I'm excited to work hard together with you.
[...They're so close right now. Her heart still beats so damn loudly, but she knows what she wants to do. Though she pauses for only a brief second.]
[ the request has him pause, brown eyes staring at sayaka. she’s so close and if he weren’t doing his utmost best to control his heartbeat, he thinks it would sound like the thunder during a summer rain.
he needs a moment to process what she’s saying. once he does, he nods. ]
[Blue eyes stare back at Soujuurou's own, and oh, she's never noticed how nice they looked before. It's...cute, honestly; they're such a nice shade of it, and something Sayaka is...
Definitely getting distracted by. For the first time this entire conversation, her bright blue eyes avert briefly in nervousness.
(roll resolve: 8)
...Her heart's hammering too loud to do what she wants to, and even then, she doesn't completely know if Soujuurou would be okay with that. Ready for it. Would this be his first if she did? She shouldn't take that from him if they're only going to be able to do this for a month.]
Thank you.
[Her gaze flicks back to him before she finds her eyes sliding closed, and though her nerves are overwhelming--she moves.
The kiss on the cheek that she gives him is no less warm and kind than the one she would have given if she had the proper nerve. It's gentle, and she doesn't move after she gives it to him. Maybe it's because her face is as red as a tomato right now, but that was...]
...Even nicer than I thought it'd be...
[The vicegrip on her chest loosens, and all it leaves is fluttery feelings. This is...nice.]
[ soujuurou is left speechless and starry-eyed as he feels her lips on his cheek. from this close, she truly is gorgeous, it's almost impossible to look away from her. even when he manages to turn away from her, he's still glancing at her from the corner of his eye.
hmm...
haha. ]
Sorry, but you can't be the only one that gets to experience that. [ he's seen enough of it in the city to not be a total stranger to it-- cupping her cheek in one hand, he leans in to give her a quick peck on the lips. ]
You're right. [ he nods. ] It's a lot better than I imagined.
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[She. Physically cannot get herself to address that next part because ahahaha. Oh her mind is a mess when she tries to put two and two together, this is. The easier part.]
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[ and after some time soujuurou will be approaching with a cup in his hand and a bag from some convenience store.
looks like he has spared her of his shitty tea. ]
Hey, sorry it took me so long. I brought some tea and snacks.
[ it’s just some onigiri and some daifuku. ]
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...Well, she looks like she's been thinking for a while and her gaze is a little unfocused when she looks to him, but she's trying her best to look composed.]
...Shizuki-kun, that's really sweet of you. I really do appreciate you going out of your way for me like this. Did you...want to sit down for a bit?
[It's fine. It's very fine.]
I do want to apologize for worrying you, if I did. I've...had a lot on my mind, since we got out of that palace.
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[ he shakes his head, sitting next to her and setting the bag down between them. he’ll hand her the tea as well. ]
I figured it would be easier to talk in person— texting’s convenient, but there’s a lot of nuance that I miss in the text. [ a pause. ] But if you want me to give you space, I can also do that. You went through a lot.
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[There's a part of her that wants to push him away. She can't be seen like this. But isn't that what she's been trying to avoid this entire time? Going back to the mindset that destroyed her, that severed all of her bonds and took everything from her?
(Did she even have anything, at the end of it all--)]
...Please stay. If I get trapped in my own head any longer, I'm going to go insane, I think. I...Kirumi-san's palace, it's given me a lot to think about. With my own circumstances. Because with her, I--I know what I want to do. I want to help her. To find herself or do whatever she needs to do, that's the easy part.
It'd...it'd have been easier if we weren't connected by that stupid bear. But knowing what we do now...knowing what we do about how everything was fabricated, it's...it's not doing my head any good. It's confusing, I think.
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[ soujuurou, looking at how increasingly unsettled sayaka is, makes an executive decision.
he moves the things he bought to his other side, clearing the space between himself and sayaka so that he can move a little closer to her.
there’s an anger growing within himself as he thinks further about sayaka’s plight. of course, the reveal that kirumi tojo never existed would be unsettling for anyone else in that world. it means to consider the possibility of your own life being nothing but falsehoods. ]
I can’t assure you on anything about your life before you came here. But the Sayaka Maizono of these past few months feels pretty real to me.
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Maybe not embrace it, but accept it as a part of myself as I moved forward. All of this just feels like the rug's gotten ripped out from under me.
[She'll look at Soujuurou properly after that, though. And despite it all, a small smile appears on her face. She doesn't know if she should move in closer; physical affection is still hard and something she only does with very few, but...]
...It means a lot to hear that from you, you know. I've...this really is the realest I've felt in so long, with all of you. None of you have ever asked me to be anything other than myself, and finding her among all the masks I've built up...
I really wouldn't have been able to do it without you, you know?
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[ soujuurou laughs softly, self-derisive. he still remembers that first night from the mountains, where the reality was so different from what he had lived that it made him tremble. he remembers the conversation with shalem, where the truth was placed in plain sight for him to see. if he were caught in the same situation as sayaka or tojo, he's not sure what would have become of him. he might have just broken under the pressure.
or maybe, he's already too broken to break any further. ]
But I think... sometimes it's better to let things go. Sayaka Maizono is dead in that world, isn't she? It's not an easy reality to accept, but maybe... this is a chance to start things over. You don't have to be an idol. You don't have to be some bear's puppet.
[ something in soujuurou's heart hurts, the nostalgia gentle but sharp like a knife. he wonders, if he's also reassuring himself. ]
Maybe try out something new. And if you don't like that, you can try something else. I'm sure you'll find a wonderful new self that no weird bear could have imagined.
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Sayaka's gaze flicks over to Soujuurou at that slightly derisive laugh, pausing slightly at it. She unfortunately has a slightly piercing gaze whenever she does this, admittedly, not quite the 'mind reader' that she's claimed to be with others sometimes, but it's...
...She wonders, inwardly, if this is what Soujuurou has been fighting against too. He hasn't had an easy life after all, has he? A debt repaid, a fight against a witch and a wolf...fighting so fiercely against them, and she wonders if she could ever really understand the pain this boy has been through.
But she wants to try.]
...I think I've found it to an extent, at least. I...know I want to fight--to keep people safe, to be someone that all of you can rely on. But this time, without sacrificing everything that I am or burning myself at both ends. I don't really know how to live any other way, but I do want to find it. And seize it with my own two hands.
[...]
It just...I don't know. I don't like the idea of lying to you all, after the kindness you've shown me, and that's what this felt like, I think. That's why it hurt, because it felt like another lie, one that I didn't even know about. And I don't want to deceive you all again.
[...Still, she circles back to Soujuurou, and...it's a bit of a well telegraphed gesture because she's not sure how he'll react, but she reaches a hand out and she'll place it on his shoulder if allowed.]
...Is this something you've struggled with as well, Soujuurou-kun?
[If he's been calling her by her first name, then she'll meet that closeness in kind.]
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he thinks about her question, his gaze distant. ]
Sort of, but not exactly. [ ... ] Since I was born, I was most likely raised with a purpose. And then one day, I wasn't allowed to be that person anymore. I was told that, because I couldn't be that person anymore, I had to learn to be someone else in order to survive in a totally new world. And then I had to survive in another new environment, and then another.
[ to go from the mountains, to the city, to the reality of magecraft, to sunrise city, it would be a lot for anyone. but he's done it without much trouble at all. he breathes out, even and measured. ]
According to a priest I talked to, I'm just too flexible. And I guess it makes sense. In the mountains, you had to be ready to adapt to anything, or else you would die.
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Sayaka isn't sure she should have done that. Any of it, really, and her own eyes briefly go wide and while she can't take back the name shift--it's fine, she's been starting to call a lot of people by their first names now, it's. Fine? It's fine. It's fine. All of it's fine.
The way her chest feels tight is also fine, it's just. She overstepped her bounds, clearly. She withdraws her hand, at least, feeling like it's almost burning from impropriety as she listens to Soujuurou and it's...
...Honestly, it makes perfect sense when he lays it out like that. The "most likely" part gets Sayaka to worry a bit, but the fact that he's just been severed off and thrown into a new environment so many times...]
...That's insulting to tell you. I mean--flexibility isn't a bad thing, but the idea that you could be thrown out just for that? That's completely awful. And you've had that done to you multiple times?
[Something about it angers Sayaka. He doesn't deserve that, he doesn't--]
You've...basically just been forced to survive from the word "go", from the sound of it. And I take it that it hasn't been easy for you, to keep trying to adapt to these new lives.
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[ soujuurou tries not to feel too disappointed about sayaka's hand leaving his shoulder, but well, he can't help it. but maybe it was just a one time thing, and that's fine too. ]
But he was right. I had to leave the mountains because...well, you saw, didn't you?
[ because he had questioned the way of life that they had led until then. because he couldn't adapt, because he couldn't fulfill the demands made of him...
he sighs. ]
My life in the mountains... I can't really complain about it, even now. And in the city... I suppose it could have been much worse. I'm still alive, and I met amazing people that have done nothing but help me out. In that sense, I'm probably blessed.
[ but a part of him still feels horribly, horribly homesick. ]
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[It just was always something hard to wrap her head around. No reason to keep doing it, no reason to stop had stuck in her mind for weeks, and truthfully, the image of that witch and the wolf gave her nightmares for quite a few nights for her own reasons. She tries to think again, and all it amounts to is...
Is that Soujuurou questioned things, and he was discarded. He's kept being discarded, and he's had to constantly adapt. Is this why he's always been so unaffected by things?]
...You had a completely understandable question about things, and you were discarded. That isn't--fair, to you.
[She tries not to sound petulant when she says it--and really, it doesn't sound it at all. It sounds...sad. A little angry, even. Dangerous situations happening for him over and over again, whether he got into them or not, and it's...]
...Did the palace make you start thinking about that all again? Do you... [Sayaka pauses, briefly, wondering what to say. Why does he look so...disappointed? It's something she doesn't understand, but she does end up putting her hand back on his shoulder again this time, and she'll keep it there.] ...Is there something you miss there?
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[ soujuurou says it softly, like a sinner in a confessional, with an abruptness and bitterness that surprises even himself. bitter at himself not just for what he lost, but because of the new life that he cannot fully appreciate. ]
The air, the night sky, the seasons, how simple everything was. Even though things were tough and we would go days without food or had to fight wild animals... that's still all I knew until recently. My chest still hurts sometimes, when I look at the sky. [ he points up at the sky, his expression glum-- angry, even. ] You can barely see any stars from here.
[ but he looks down, back at sayaka and sighs. ]
But at the end of the day, it was a fair decision. Not to me, maybe, but in general. To live up there, you need to live a certain kind of way. If you start doubting it, then you could hurt yourself and others. And as I am now, I definitely can't return, no matter how much I want to. No one wants a bird that can't sing, after all.
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...It sounds like there were good things in it, even if it was a hard experience. [...] I wonder what those stars were like. I can only imagine how beautiful they must have been; I haven't seen many places that haven't been polluted by the light, unfortunately; I wish I could. I'd love to find you a place where you could see them again.
[She'll squeeze his shoulder gently in support.]
...I'm sorry, Soujuurou-kun. Nobody should be made to feel unwanted like that. You've never done anything wrong, and there's nothing wrong with a bird that can't sing.
You deserve a home of your own.
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[ it would be so much easier to rid himself of those memories, to simply accept that everything there was fabricated for the sake of his growth as a future assassin. but if he ripped that out of him then what would he have left of his life before the mountains? who would he be, but a true blank slate?
the thought of that makes him shudder slightly. he reaches, placing his hand on top of sayaka's.
she says that he's never done anything wrong, but soujuurou knows that she's wrong. though her words don't come from a malicious place, he knows his own sin and that is something that he has slowly learned to accept since his descent. ]
I hope so, too. Even if it's not where I want to be the most, I hope it's a place I learn to like just as much.
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Sayaka doesn't expect Soujuurou to return that gesture, and she finds herself pausing a bit. Her face feels slightly warm, and there's a brief moment where she looks to him and pauses. It's strange how in this moment she feels her chest go so tight. So horribly, wretchedly tight. She doesn't understand him, but in this moment, she wishes she could so badly.
She wishes she could understand the injured, songless bird that feels like he's just landed on her hand. Why does she see him like that? That isn't fair. This isn't something she gets.
...
But she'll be damned if she won't try.]
...Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
[It comes out a little unsteadily, but no less resolved as she feels her heart hammer in her chest. What's wrong with her?]
I'm...not going to claim to understand everything, though I appreciate that you've trusted me with this. I don't even know if I could find you a similar home like that, a place where you can finally spread your wings and not have to adapt but...I want to help, if I can. And you deserve to be able to find a place where you can truly rest.
A place you can call home and look at those beautiful stars again.
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[ soujuurou’s breath is caught in his chest. brown eyes are wide and bright with emotion, moved by the force of her statement. does she even know the weight that her words have right now? she doesn’t, does she?
soujuurou takes her hand in his, bringing it down gently between them. he doesn’t let go, however. ]
Thank you, Sayaka. But… you don’t have to do any of that. It’s a little more complicated than that and I… well…
[ his cheeks are definitely warm as well. it’s hard to look directly at sayaka, but even harder to look away. ]
I’d never be able to repay the gesture. Even now… I mean… we only have a month left.
1/2
He has people he cares for, at home. He can't just abandon them, and that's the reason why Sayaka has always liked him. Soujuurou has always been a stalwart ally, someone they could rely on, and his dedication is something Sayaka has always admired. He gets stuff done. He helps whenever he can.
And it breaks her heart, briefly--for reasons she's finally starting to wonder about, that she can't help him the way she's been helped by others. By abandoning the previous home to find something new, Sayaka's found her ultimate freedom, and she would have wanted nothing more than to show that to Soujuurou. To help him find whatever it is he wanted in life, and...
Maybe, to even be a part of that happiness.
...Ha. It really was that simple this entire time, wasn't it?]
2/2
[It comes out surprisingly steady when she says it, and when she does, it doesn't take long for her other hand to join in. Gently holding his hand and moving to hold it in both of hers.
She hasn't glanced away from Soujuurou's face this entire time, and despite the pain in her heart...this is what makes him happy. This is what will bring him happiness, maybe one day. And at the end of it all, that's what she wants for him. She wants to see him smile, she wants to see him happy, she wants to repay the favors he's done for her in giving her comfort in times she's needed it, in believing in her, in being there for her.]
You deserve to be happy. And even if we only have a month left, I'd...like nothing more, than to help you find some kind of happiness you could take with you, where ever you go. I mean it.
...You've done enough. You've done so much. You've...helped me so many times over.
[...]
But if that's something you don't want, I...I don't mind that, either.
I just want to see you smile, I think...Soujuurou-kun.
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[ soujuurou smiles softly, his cheeks flushed and warm as he realizes what’s happening. what a sad thing that this has an end date already pre-determined, a forecasted heartbreak in the horizon, but… ]
I like seeing you smile too, Sayaka. [ he places his other hand on top of hers, gentle and delicately, as if this were an illusion that would break if he went too quickly.
his voice is warm, full of an emotion that he thinks he can finally put a name to. he moves closer to sayaka, close enough for their shoulders to almost touch. ]
Let me do the same for you. If you want to make me happy, then I’ll work hard so that you can take something with you, wherever you go.
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It hurts, that it's only for a little while. But it tightens Sayaka's resolve; if they only have a month with each other, then she wants to make this the happiness month for the both of them. That way when they part, they can take a beautiful memory with them, no matter what happens. Hearing that he wants to make her happy too, it makes her heart soar, and it really does feel like she's flying the sky with him right now before they part.]
...You're so kind to me. You always have been, and it's something I've always liked about you. Knowing that we're both going to try and make this the happiest month before we leave...
It fills me with joy. I'm excited to work hard together with you.
[...They're so close right now. Her heart still beats so damn loudly, but she knows what she wants to do. Though she pauses for only a brief second.]
...Soujuurou. Hold still for a second for me?
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[ the request has him pause, brown eyes staring at sayaka. she’s so close and if he weren’t doing his utmost best to control his heartbeat, he thinks it would sound like the thunder during a summer rain.
he needs a moment to process what she’s saying. once he does, he nods. ]
Sure.
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Definitely getting distracted by. For the first time this entire conversation, her bright blue eyes avert briefly in nervousness.
(roll resolve: 8)
...Her heart's hammering too loud to do what she wants to, and even then, she doesn't completely know if Soujuurou would be okay with that. Ready for it. Would this be his first if she did? She shouldn't take that from him if they're only going to be able to do this for a month.]
Thank you.
[Her gaze flicks back to him before she finds her eyes sliding closed, and though her nerves are overwhelming--she moves.
The kiss on the cheek that she gives him is no less warm and kind than the one she would have given if she had the proper nerve. It's gentle, and she doesn't move after she gives it to him. Maybe it's because her face is as red as a tomato right now, but that was...]
...Even nicer than I thought it'd be...
[The vicegrip on her chest loosens, and all it leaves is fluttery feelings. This is...nice.]
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[ soujuurou is left speechless and starry-eyed as he feels her lips on his cheek. from this close, she truly is gorgeous, it's almost impossible to look away from her. even when he manages to turn away from her, he's still glancing at her from the corner of his eye.
hmm...
haha. ]
Sorry, but you can't be the only one that gets to experience that. [ he's seen enough of it in the city to not be a total stranger to it-- cupping her cheek in one hand, he leans in to give her a quick peck on the lips. ]
You're right. [ he nods. ] It's a lot better than I imagined.
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