Have you heard of Idrila? I am one who follows them ardently, as a Knight of Beauty. If you ever wish to ask anything of me, I will gladly answer, and do my best to assist.
NOTE
The universe is filled with beauty. No matter where one is in the cosmos, this is a truth ingrained in existence itself. Therefore, I shall treasure every meeting between each and every beautiful soul I cross paths with.
Cultivating anger into something productive is a lesson everyone needs to learn. But this level of rage doesn't exactly have...reasonable levels for him to curtail.
Argenti whips around when she comes up on him behind as he's thinking, Who else will try to control the narrative?
That along that his words and his general actions have amounted to nothing. That in their heads, people were always twisting his words, his intentions; but his lack of ability, his delusions, and failure is his own. They have to see it. All of them.
[ Maika shoots him a mild glance as she falls into step alongside him, as casually as if she's been invited. Why not? His whole bearing and demeanor screams angry, stay away, give space; but he's not someone who has the tools it takes to hurt her, if she were afraid of pain in the first place. ]
Because you sat through a whole meeting of people losing their cool at you before and didn't flinch, but you're running now. I get twitchy when people don't act like I expect.
[ Justifiable worry of things moving askew from their expected positions, not worry for someone or something. She flicks her hair back and gives him another look. ]
And if you're going to break something, I'm not planning on missing out.
[ Argenti thinks he can certainly hurt someone even with his bare fists, her included. Though she would struggle more than most and attempt to kill him equally in turn.
Still, there is a certain part in what she says that he bristles at, particularly. ]
I am not running.
[ He turns away from her, staring angrily into the distance that lies before his eyes. Yes, he does wish she would go away, though at the same time he is certain she wished that of him too. This must be her revenge, so to speak. ]
I had no idea you were interested in entertaining the idea of willingly joining me in any sort of activity whatsoever. Even if it may involve 'breaking'.
[ But she glances more intently at him when the anger spikes in his tone. Something she said hit closer to the core of it; habit says that tells her where to dig in her claws. ]
Guess you don't know me as well as you thought, knight. I'd never miss a chance to break something.
[ She pauses again, weighing her words. Areka told her to act more like her mother — strategic and manipulative? Persuasive and charismatic? She can't make herself seem safe or soft or kind or good. The only thing she's ever been is herself. ]
...You stuck your spear into my battle. Now I'm poking my nose into yours. Payback. [ And he's free to take that as menacing, the only tone she knows how to deliver. ] I don't know you any better than you know me. But people do stupid things when they have to bury their friends. Are you one of them?
[ Argenti takes pause, eyes narrowing at her words.
He doesn't know how to respond to her second and third comment, but he clearly doesn't like it, either. His hands clench tightly into fists, though he's listening to whatever else that comes afterwards. ]
So, that is what it is in the end - vengeance, just like I thought. I suppose I do know you better than you thought after all. [ That's an unnecessary comment that he normally wouldn't have made, but, well. Her question gets a strange look to come over his face, somewhere between confused, angry, but sad. ] Do I look like the type of person to do something foolish because someone has died?
[ Argenti looks away because it's clear Jordi isn't just someone. He's his friend. Was...a dear friend. ]
[ Has she ever seen him so visibly angry before? First the meeting, now this. Maybe only Ushirono ever saw him angrier.
His words find their mark, like the faintest graze of a blade drawing the first whisper of blood. But even as a child, Maika never sparred until surrender. Like she'd let a little wound slow her down, unexpected as it is. ]
...That's right. So you can understand me when you stop lying to yourself. There's only two infinite things in this universe, and vengeance is one.
[ And she's secure that he doesn't understand her anywhere near enough to read the second one in her gaze now. She meets his eyes levelly, steady and waiting. From Maika, it's very nearly patience. ]
"Someone"? Maybe not. A dear friend? A reliable ally? A kind companion? That's something different. [ Yes, she's throwing the words of his eulogy back at him. She listened. And she remembers. ] Tell me it's not foolish to be stalking around out here instead of crying those feelings out somewhere quiet right now. So what are you looking for? A fight?
[ That, she could provide. Hell, she could even give him the justification, if he's struggling with that. Of all the people here, she's the only person left he could fight with a clean conscience. ]
[ Argenti is finding himself angrier in her presence; yes, he may have thought that he has been completely delusional now, but saying he agrees with her doesn't sit right with him. Or maybe there is something about that which irritates him when she is the one who says it. ]
Vengeance is not forever. That is complete nonsense.
I already understood you well enough even before this point. Otherwise, I would have been unable to point it out.
[ Not really, but he's just saying that as a form of lashing out. Even he knows he hasn't understood Maika very well. Though he refuses to look at her, closing his eyes. Especially when she speaks of Jordi. ]
That is what you would want, isn't it? A fight, senseless as it is. Why do you believe I would oblige you with that?
[ He opens his eyes, turns to face her. He doubts that it will make him feel any better. It won't. Everything in him screams to reject everything that reaches out to him, but at the same time his stance also cries out for the opportunity to be granted to hit something.
And honestly even if it makes him feel worse, perhaps he should take it. ]
You're such an expert from a few decades of life that you're sure of that? I guess there's a lot you don't know about what people are capable of.
[ He's being contrarian to be contrarian, she realizes. He says something, she agrees — immediately he backtracks. Honestly, that might be the most sensible thing he's doing right now. She so seldom has good ideas that steering the opposite direction from her might at least keep him from sailing full speed into a reef. ]
Clean out your ears, knight. [ "Get your head out of your ass" is what she wants to say. But she's trying, even though maybe it'd be kinder to tip the scales of his indecision. ] I'm asking what you want. Death is senseless, and so is fighting. So what?
[ Would it help, to remember that you're alive? It helps Maika. But then, she's a hell of a lot less obtuse. ]
What's going through your thick skull right now? Quit sticking your nose in the air and huffing about how I don't understand and just speak plainly. Save that sparkling bravado for a more gullible audience.
[ What's going through your thick skull right now?
Somehow that is what makes him take pause. And perhaps, he recognizes she's been toning down her words? He seems to close his eyes, shaking his head. ]
I...
[ But it isn't enough, not to clear the haze. It won't ever be enough.
Just like how he wasn't enough...for Jordi. If only he had been the picture perfect Knight that could save him when he needed. If only...but it twists, everything is twisting. Just like how easily people twisted his words. People are...inherently twisted, aren't they? They're all... ]
I have never been this...no...
...Not that it matters. People seem to already have that answer. Nothing feels satisfactory - the thought of combat, the thought of giving that person a piece of my mind as he rightfully deserves.
Perhaps strangest of all though is you, though. [ He pauses, then seems to recall something and instead of phrasing it nicely, it's spoken like it is aimed to start something ugly. ] You being worried about others.
[ The pause carries weight — and even now, even after everything, she feels a bittersweet flicker of gratitude towards Tuya for teaching her that.
Hesitation means a lot of things. But this one? This one feels like weakness. A momentary vulnerability. She should strike then if she's going to, but she lets it pass her by. ]
Then those aren't what you really want. They won't put anything back how it was.
[ "Keep looking." That's what she wants to tell him, as bitterly ironic as the words might be from her. She watches him pausing again, the subtle shift in the quality of silence. No longer weakness but gathering for an attack.
It's almost funny, actually. Is this how the Wave Empress feels when another fragile gill-less creature launches a boat and thinks they've conquered the sea? Maika's lived steeped in rage for so long that she doesn't know how it feels to not have it filling her lungs. And he thinks he can provoke her with words not even a fraction as harsh as anything she uses on herself daily?
It's almost cute. ]
It's a poor joke, is what it is. The hypocrisy of it all. Like I have a right to pretend to care after all the people I've killed. Like it matters at all, when none of it will stop people from being hurt around me. You don't have to tell me I'm no good. I know it better than you ever will.
[ Stupid fucking idealist. Staring at the stars so long it's all he sees and he doesn't know what to do when he finds himself facefirst in the mud. Maika sizes him up, lifting her hand slightly before letting it drop. ]
But what I do know, too, is how to fail. How to look at the bodies of all the people you couldn't save and then keep walking. Grief will eat you alive if you let it and leave you hollow. Is that what you're going to do? You've really never failed before?
[ A variety of expressions seem to cycle through Argenti's face at all of this. ]
No, I make mistakes, just like anyone.
But, as Idrila's Knight...
[ The fact somehow Maika is not getting provoked by his everything is making him realizing how foolish he is acting. For now. That discipline he had as a Knight is not exactly too easily overcome. It is interesting to know, that she too must have been gripped by her own failure to save others, though. ]
It is something I cannot afford to do all that often. If at all.
[ Then there was what Joshua said. But every time he thinks of expressing that in particular, he becomes even more enraged. So, maybe he just...shouldn't. He shakes his head, trying to clear it again, but then he - it isn't a smile, even if his expression looks more calm. Sad, more like, though reminiscent of his usual self. ]
...Perhaps it will mean that one day grief may try to overcome me. But, I cannot afford to fail anymore than I already have.
Maybe what I need right now is to rest my mind, as I am still at a loss. [ And it is unfortunate, because he meant to check up on certain people, alongside those he doesn't usually speak with. But, he thinks he should forget it for a few days. ] Though, I do wish to say that I do not believe that you are no good. I'm not entirely certain what I was thinking when I said some of those things, but I just know I cannot agree with that statement.
One other thing I am certain of is that I should not be acting out like this.
Still, my apologies for all of that. And, you have my appreciation for seeking me out...for telling me all of that. You never mince words, it appears.
[ Time has not passed far too much to diminish his capacity for gratitude, though he still feels off-kilter. But, this is a conversation that will not be forgettable to him. ]
Too bad the universe doesn't care if you can afford to lose. It just fucking happens.
[ She sucks in a brief breath, not quite sheepish but a little surprised — she'd been managing to suppress the swearing habit relatively well. At the end of the day, she just can't really hide who she is for that long.
Still. Maybe she held it in for long enough. Argenti's expression is going back to something she'd consider almost normal. Normal for him, at least, which is still abnormal to her thinking. But the uncontrollable wrath is ebbing for now, and his answers are clearer. Not calculated to hurt or to stir up anger... deliberately.
It's still really annoying that he insists without reason or context that she isn't bad. ]
It was the most logic I'd heard out of your mouth since you got here. But at least now I know you're feeling like yourself again.
[ And she waves a hand in embarrassment to dismiss the thanks. She didn't do anything — if she'd punched him to snap him out of it, maybe that would at least be work that deserved appreciation. ]
I never learned how to tell a pretty lie, and I'm not starting now. Make of that whatever you want. ...Go home and grieve properly, knight. If the emptiness still fills you with pointless rage then, you know where to find me.
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beautifulknight) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
linknet2024-07-25 09:10 pm
no subject
Cultivating anger into something productive is a lesson everyone needs to learn. But this level of rage doesn't exactly have...reasonable levels for him to curtail.
Argenti whips around when she comes up on him behind as he's thinking, Who else will try to control the narrative?
That along that his words and his general actions have amounted to nothing. That in their heads, people were always twisting his words, his intentions; but his lack of ability, his delusions, and failure is his own. They have to see it. All of them.
Especially Idrila. ]
...I am in no hurry. Why does it interest you?
[ His voice is cold; unwelcoming. ]
no subject
Because you sat through a whole meeting of people losing their cool at you before and didn't flinch, but you're running now. I get twitchy when people don't act like I expect.
[ Justifiable worry of things moving askew from their expected positions, not worry for someone or something. She flicks her hair back and gives him another look. ]
And if you're going to break something, I'm not planning on missing out.
no subject
Still, there is a certain part in what she says that he bristles at, particularly. ]
I am not running.
[ He turns away from her, staring angrily into the distance that lies before his eyes. Yes, he does wish she would go away, though at the same time he is certain she wished that of him too. This must be her revenge, so to speak. ]
I had no idea you were interested in entertaining the idea of willingly joining me in any sort of activity whatsoever. Even if it may involve 'breaking'.
no subject
[ But she glances more intently at him when the anger spikes in his tone. Something she said hit closer to the core of it; habit says that tells her where to dig in her claws. ]
Guess you don't know me as well as you thought, knight. I'd never miss a chance to break something.
[ She pauses again, weighing her words. Areka told her to act more like her mother — strategic and manipulative? Persuasive and charismatic? She can't make herself seem safe or soft or kind or good. The only thing she's ever been is herself. ]
...You stuck your spear into my battle. Now I'm poking my nose into yours. Payback. [ And he's free to take that as menacing, the only tone she knows how to deliver. ] I don't know you any better than you know me. But people do stupid things when they have to bury their friends. Are you one of them?
no subject
[ Argenti takes pause, eyes narrowing at her words.
He doesn't know how to respond to her second and third comment, but he clearly doesn't like it, either. His hands clench tightly into fists, though he's listening to whatever else that comes afterwards. ]
So, that is what it is in the end - vengeance, just like I thought. I suppose I do know you better than you thought after all. [ That's an unnecessary comment that he normally wouldn't have made, but, well. Her question gets a strange look to come over his face, somewhere between confused, angry, but sad. ] Do I look like the type of person to do something foolish because someone has died?
[ Argenti looks away because it's clear Jordi isn't just someone. He's his friend. Was...a dear friend. ]
no subject
His words find their mark, like the faintest graze of a blade drawing the first whisper of blood. But even as a child, Maika never sparred until surrender. Like she'd let a little wound slow her down, unexpected as it is. ]
...That's right. So you can understand me when you stop lying to yourself. There's only two infinite things in this universe, and vengeance is one.
[ And she's secure that he doesn't understand her anywhere near enough to read the second one in her gaze now. She meets his eyes levelly, steady and waiting. From Maika, it's very nearly patience. ]
"Someone"? Maybe not. A dear friend? A reliable ally? A kind companion? That's something different. [ Yes, she's throwing the words of his eulogy back at him. She listened. And she remembers. ] Tell me it's not foolish to be stalking around out here instead of crying those feelings out somewhere quiet right now. So what are you looking for? A fight?
[ That, she could provide. Hell, she could even give him the justification, if he's struggling with that. Of all the people here, she's the only person left he could fight with a clean conscience. ]
no subject
Vengeance is not forever. That is complete nonsense.
I already understood you well enough even before this point. Otherwise, I would have been unable to point it out.
[ Not really, but he's just saying that as a form of lashing out. Even he knows he hasn't understood Maika very well. Though he refuses to look at her, closing his eyes. Especially when she speaks of Jordi. ]
That is what you would want, isn't it? A fight, senseless as it is. Why do you believe I would oblige you with that?
[ He opens his eyes, turns to face her. He doubts that it will make him feel any better. It won't. Everything in him screams to reject everything that reaches out to him, but at the same time his stance also cries out for the opportunity to be granted to hit something.
And honestly even if it makes him feel worse, perhaps he should take it. ]
no subject
[ He's being contrarian to be contrarian, she realizes. He says something, she agrees — immediately he backtracks. Honestly, that might be the most sensible thing he's doing right now. She so seldom has good ideas that steering the opposite direction from her might at least keep him from sailing full speed into a reef. ]
Clean out your ears, knight. [ "Get your head out of your ass" is what she wants to say. But she's trying, even though maybe it'd be kinder to tip the scales of his indecision. ] I'm asking what you want. Death is senseless, and so is fighting. So what?
[ Would it help, to remember that you're alive? It helps Maika. But then, she's a hell of a lot less obtuse. ]
What's going through your thick skull right now? Quit sticking your nose in the air and huffing about how I don't understand and just speak plainly. Save that sparkling bravado for a more gullible audience.
no subject
Somehow that is what makes him take pause. And perhaps, he recognizes she's been toning down her words? He seems to close his eyes, shaking his head. ]
I...
[ But it isn't enough, not to clear the haze. It won't ever be enough.
Just like how he wasn't enough...for Jordi. If only he had been the picture perfect Knight that could save him when he needed. If only...but it twists, everything is twisting. Just like how easily people twisted his words. People are...inherently twisted, aren't they? They're all... ]
I have never been this...no...
...Not that it matters. People seem to already have that answer. Nothing feels satisfactory - the thought of combat, the thought of giving that person a piece of my mind as he rightfully deserves.
Perhaps strangest of all though is you, though. [ He pauses, then seems to recall something and instead of phrasing it nicely, it's spoken like it is aimed to start something ugly. ] You being worried about others.
no subject
Hesitation means a lot of things. But this one? This one feels like weakness. A momentary vulnerability. She should strike then if she's going to, but she lets it pass her by. ]
Then those aren't what you really want. They won't put anything back how it was.
[ "Keep looking." That's what she wants to tell him, as bitterly ironic as the words might be from her. She watches him pausing again, the subtle shift in the quality of silence. No longer weakness but gathering for an attack.
It's almost funny, actually. Is this how the Wave Empress feels when another fragile gill-less creature launches a boat and thinks they've conquered the sea? Maika's lived steeped in rage for so long that she doesn't know how it feels to not have it filling her lungs. And he thinks he can provoke her with words not even a fraction as harsh as anything she uses on herself daily?
It's almost cute. ]
It's a poor joke, is what it is. The hypocrisy of it all. Like I have a right to pretend to care after all the people I've killed. Like it matters at all, when none of it will stop people from being hurt around me. You don't have to tell me I'm no good. I know it better than you ever will.
[ Stupid fucking idealist. Staring at the stars so long it's all he sees and he doesn't know what to do when he finds himself facefirst in the mud. Maika sizes him up, lifting her hand slightly before letting it drop. ]
But what I do know, too, is how to fail. How to look at the bodies of all the people you couldn't save and then keep walking. Grief will eat you alive if you let it and leave you hollow. Is that what you're going to do? You've really never failed before?
no subject
No, I make mistakes, just like anyone.
But, as Idrila's Knight...
[ The fact somehow Maika is not getting provoked by his everything is making him realizing how foolish he is acting. For now. That discipline he had as a Knight is not exactly too easily overcome. It is interesting to know, that she too must have been gripped by her own failure to save others, though. ]
It is something I cannot afford to do all that often. If at all.
[ Then there was what Joshua said. But every time he thinks of expressing that in particular, he becomes even more enraged. So, maybe he just...shouldn't. He shakes his head, trying to clear it again, but then he - it isn't a smile, even if his expression looks more calm. Sad, more like, though reminiscent of his usual self. ]
...Perhaps it will mean that one day grief may try to overcome me. But, I cannot afford to fail anymore than I already have.
Maybe what I need right now is to rest my mind, as I am still at a loss. [ And it is unfortunate, because he meant to check up on certain people, alongside those he doesn't usually speak with. But, he thinks he should forget it for a few days. ] Though, I do wish to say that I do not believe that you are no good. I'm not entirely certain what I was thinking when I said some of those things, but I just know I cannot agree with that statement.
One other thing I am certain of is that I should not be acting out like this.
Still, my apologies for all of that. And, you have my appreciation for seeking me out...for telling me all of that. You never mince words, it appears.
[ Time has not passed far too much to diminish his capacity for gratitude, though he still feels off-kilter. But, this is a conversation that will not be forgettable to him. ]
no subject
[ She sucks in a brief breath, not quite sheepish but a little surprised — she'd been managing to suppress the swearing habit relatively well. At the end of the day, she just can't really hide who she is for that long.
Still. Maybe she held it in for long enough. Argenti's expression is going back to something she'd consider almost normal. Normal for him, at least, which is still abnormal to her thinking. But the uncontrollable wrath is ebbing for now, and his answers are clearer. Not calculated to hurt or to stir up anger... deliberately.
It's still really annoying that he insists without reason or context that she isn't bad. ]
It was the most logic I'd heard out of your mouth since you got here. But at least now I know you're feeling like yourself again.
[ And she waves a hand in embarrassment to dismiss the thanks. She didn't do anything — if she'd punched him to snap him out of it, maybe that would at least be work that deserved appreciation. ]
I never learned how to tell a pretty lie, and I'm not starting now. Make of that whatever you want. ...Go home and grieve properly, knight. If the emptiness still fills you with pointless rage then, you know where to find me.